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Sorry, Everyone! Brad Pitt Is Still Not Dating Alia Shawkat

Illustration for article titled Sorry, Everyone! Brad Pitt Is Still Not Dating Alia Shawkat
Photo: Backgrid

I’m not saying that everything would suddenly get better were Brad Pitt to date Alia Shawkat. But, I do believe that the cosmic forces behind both actors’ uncanny talents would somehow right something askew in the universe, affording some level of balance to our topsy-turvy times. They are not dating, however, no matter how hard you or I or just about anyone prays for peace and stability. It’s too bad we’ll just have to suffer instead!

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TMZ reports that despite popping up with Pitt at art galleries, museums, and Thundercat concerts, sources stress that the two are “strictly platonic.” Was that clear enough? I might have to repeat it one more time, unfortunately. They’re not dating! TMZ promises!

As for Jennifer Aniston, who invited Brad to her 50th birthday last year at the Sunset Tower Hotel—where she recently ran into ex-John Mayer—and shared a somewhat playful moment with him at the SAG Awards... they’re not dating either! Not in any conceivable iteration of our existence, really, in case you go hopping through alternate timelines to find a sunnier parallel universe than our present hellscape. [TMZ]

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I’ve learned some moderately interesting things about the Love Is Blind cast as it overran my morning tabloids and Twitter feed last week. For one, Cameron Hamilton wears powder blue suits when invited on daytime television, which is a choice I would like him to reconsider the next time Ellen DeGeneres comes calling. On that same episode of Ellen, which airs today, the cast reveals exactly how they wound up on a half-baked dating competition show.

When asked by the always-too-eager Ellen how they were cast, People reports that Hamilton’s wife Lauren Speed said she wound up participating organically. “I chose to do it because basically my dating life wasn’t going that well and I was like, well, let’s see what happens.” Amber Pike, however, revealed that she was bored and on worker’s comp, so she felt like it would be a good way to pass her time.

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Damien Powers and Giannina Gibelli, whose tumultuous relationship had them split during a particularly awkward wedding before ultimately reuniting, came to the show by drastically different routes. Gibelli was sent an Instagram DM by a producer, asking if she would like to find love and get married. Powers, alternately, was catfished by a producer on Tinder, who pretended to be into him before unmasking herself and asking if he’d like to be cast in the show. Yikes!

And if the show wasn’t already overproduced enough, ET reports that Kelly Chase and Jessica Batten have since revealed that they’ve been friends for almost 12 years. Coincidentally, this fact was never mentioned in the 11-episode reality series they starred in together! [People]

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Let’s check in with Britney Spears:

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  • Chloë Sevigny is still pregnant. [People]
  • Rob Lowe’s game show is also under threat from coronavirus. [TMZ]
  • Miley Cyrus and BTS have cancelled concerts. [ET]
  • Aaron Carter has a new face tattoo. [Instagram]
  • Lindsay Lohan is dating some businessman in Dubai, expectedly. [The Blast]
  • Emily Ratajkowski brought her husband to an art gala. [Just Jared]
  • Coachella is probably cancelled, which makes me sad for the City Girls. [People]

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DISCUSSION

Brad Pitt is nearly twice the age of Alia Shawkat. I do not think they would make a good couple, at all.

Also, p sure Aaron Carter needs an intervention.