My Least Favorite of Oprah's Favorite Things 2015

Oprah’s been picking her ideal presents every holiday season for over two decades, but this is the first year she’s made it all Amazon-easy: this time around, you can peruse every last insane item from the comfort of your own home. Ah, capitalism. Doesn’t it smell good?

As the Daily News points out, Oprah calls this year’s list maybe “the most versatile and fun ever.” Not as versatile and fun: her Harpo Studios also announced today that they would start laying people off in December as they move their offices from Chicago to Los Angeles. (Much like fellow media scion Hugh Hefner, Oprah sold her home in the city where she gained her fame a few years ago, and her business has slowly gone with her.)

But forget about that stuff! It’s almost Christmas! Unfortunately, Oprah’s favorite things leave something to be desired this year; for every Pappas Seafood Co. signature crab cakes (“Stedman can’t get enough”) there’s a Peace Love Oprah Fleece Zip Hoodie (“This is my favorite hoodie to wear when I walk my dogs—and I offer peace to all when I do!”). What follows is the stuff that Oprah may love, but I am decidedly not impressed with.

1. This keychain with its a “Faux fur ball,” which sounds like a great thing to get filthy in your purse.

2. This Faux Fur Pet Jacket. No I will not “use a gentle cycle for maximum fluffiness.”

3. This “Namast’ay In Bed Night Shirt.” Nama fucking ugh is the wittiest thing I can muster up as a retort. (That’s alright though; they’re not very quick-tongued either: “While you catch your zzz’s, these supersoft made-in-the-U.S.A. nightshirts (also available in plus size) toss off some zingers.”)

4. This thermos. I have no issue with carrying liquids around, but hasn’t the thermos obsession really just spiraled out of hand? (Ed. Note: I can, however, get behind Oprah’s excitement that it’s “the perfect size to tote a carafe’s worth of rosé.”)

5. Oprah & Deepak’s 21-Day Meditation Transcendence Trio CD set. “Who on your list couldn’t use some quiet time for reflection and self-discovery?” Oprah asks. Touché, O, but nothing about you and your BFF Deepak calms me.