This great country of ours is in the midst of a very contentious debate about whether vaccines are necessary (yes, God dammit, yes), a debate in which America’s greatest celebrity minds have added their voices. Last night, actor Jim Carrey really went for it. Good Lord, did he go for it. After his mini-tirade on the danger of vaccines as they’re currently formulated (no, for Christ’s sake), maybe Jim Carrey can help us out with a few more knotty health and safety dilemmas?

First, to recap for everyone not part of the Mercury and/or Night Twitter, Carrey’s thoughts on vaccines. He weighed in specifically on thimeorsal, a mercury-containing preservative which, despite having no provable side effects, has not been widely used in vaccines since 2001.

(More from the FDA here and the CDC here if for some reason you’d rather hear from them and not America’s foremost pet detective.)

It’s wonderful to know that Jim Carrey is available for all our public health concerns. In fact, like Jesus hoisting you across the beach, he’s been here all along. Your questions, answered:

Should I circumcise my son?

(Translation: No, there’s just not enough good evidence that circumcision does anything that good hygiene and safe sex practices can’t. Plus it may interfere with his sexual function as an adult.)

Is this an ingrown hair or something I really need to worry about?

(Translation: Jim Carrey took a look and he’s pretty sure you should call your OB-GYN. Better safe than sorry, girl.)

Advertisement

I’m committed to a natural childbirth plan, but I’m nervous about the pain. Can I handle it?

(Translation: Absolutely. Your body is made for this! Have faith in yourself. )

I’ve met a woman I’m really attracted to. How do I make the first move?

(Translation: wait for the right moment, then go in for a kiss! If she’s not into it, apologize and give her some space.)

Do you believe that jet fuel can melt steel beams?

(Translation: The Internet assures me that it cannot, and I believe them.)

Is the United Nations planning to invade the United States as part of Agenda 21, their sinister plan for a global totalitarian dictatorship under which we’ll all be enslaved?

(Translation: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!)

After years of cultural irrelevance, people are talking about me again, but only because they’re sad that I’ve apparently fallen off the deep end. How should I feel about this?

(Look, any attention is good attention.)


Contact the author at anna.merlan@jezebel.com.
Public PGP key
PGP fingerprint: 67B5 5767 9D6F 652E 8EFD 76F5 3CF0 DAF2 79E5 1FB6

Top image via AP Images, all gifs via Giphy