Miley Cyrus Is Not Going to Hook Up With Santa In Exchange for Gifts

First radio stations got too soft to play “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” the holiday classic that’s either about sexual liberation or a drugged cocktail, and now Miley’s gone and ruined the lyrics to “Santa Baby,” everyone’s other favorite Christmas-centric sex ditty.

In a sketch from The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, Miley goes all early 2000s power pop ballad, à la “Love Don’t Cost a Thing” and “Independent Women,” to assure Santa that she has plenty of money to buy her own gifts.

What Miley really wants, according to the lyrics, is “equal pay,” and “to know my ass won’t get grabbed at work by some ignorant jerk.” She’d also like for Santa to stop interrupting her and quit sending dick pics.

In a world that feels increasingly deprived of ballads sexualizing a Turkish bishop who died nearly 2,000 years ago, it’s important to remember that we can still sing with childlike wonder about that time we saw mommy consensually French kissing St. Nicholas under the mistletoe.