Michelle Obama's Arms Are Causing a Fashion Riot

Joyce Purnick writes in the New York Times Styles section about Michelle Obama’s arms and how they make her feel like a flabby bag of limp old ramen noodles.

I HAD expected to keep mum about my problem with Michelle Obama until after the election, but my frustration has gotten the better of me. I can contain it no longer.

I refer not to her politics, but to her arms — her bare, toned, elegant arms. Enough!

I, too, say “enough!” But I mean it in the opposite way — I’m pretty much done with people lusting after Mobama’s admittedly fabulous limbs, especially when it’s to simultaneously complain about their own pudding-in-a-knapsack upper arms. Why can’t we all be dancing in front of mirrors while on the phone and looking at our reflections and telling our best friends like, “Girl, I’m very pretty.”

I know we’re not living in the utopia Nelly sort-of prophesied; upper arms are a concern not just to Purnick, but to millions of other women. Mobama’s muscles brought the issue into the spotlight, but honestly, when has it ever been unfashionable to bare your arms? The catwalk is a naked-arm parade (partly because it is way easier to make garments without sleeves, sleeves can be difficult and mass-producing them for a variety of arm sizes is trickier than waist sizes). Any “designer” worth her salt can take a potato sack and cut three holes in it. Voilà, fashion!

However, I think we’re at a point where “firming” that upper arm flab, henceforth to be known as the jowls of the arms, is seemingly more important to ladies of a certain age than pretty much any other body part. Is it because we’ve wasted all of our caring on stomach, legs, and face in our earlier years, and it remains the final frontier of body shame? Is it, ladies?? To drive her point home, Purnick has to bring ageism and Ann Romney into the equation.

Then again, Mrs. Obama will be 49 in January. Could it be time for her at least to begin to ponder setting a new fashion trend? Here’s a thought. Maybe she could take a cue from her husband and, in a bipartisan gesture, adopt Ann Romney’s preference for elbow-length sleeves and red taffeta. Or not.

Or not. Just because our first lady — who is attractive of body and mind at any age — sports the sleeveless styles doesn’t mean that you can’t wear head-to-toe leg warmers if you want to, Purnick. Or maybe you can show off your whatever-sized arms in whatever the fuck you want to wear? I know, it’s WILD. Yes, it’s the Styles section, so the bar is set pretty low, but I really hope by the time that I’m 50 that I seriously don’t give a crap about ANYTHING besides living out loud. I’m gonna be rocking a crotchless polyester leisure suit and riding my motorized scooter in a circle around Hometown Buffet because FUUUUCK IT. Also, I’ll probably also be waving my free-flowing arms around like I just don’t care, perhaps even Purnick will join the jowls of the arms revolution!?