BUT WE'RE BURYING THE LEDE:

And "Wiggle" and Demi Lovato's "Heart Attack."

Can we not be shocked by both, Rebecca?

Congrats to Douglas and all of last night's other winners!

[E!]

Also from last night's ceremony, the soon-to-be divorced Jeremy Renner made a stupid joke about presenting partner Jennifer Lopez's breasts, proving that yes—you can watch two people's already non-existent chemistry go from bad to worse. "I've got the nails," began Lopez, offering to open the envelope for best actor in a mini-series or TV movie. "You've got the globes, too," Renner joked back, referring to Lopez's décolletage. HAR DEE HAR HAR. [Billboard]

Reports claiming that paramedics were rushed to the Golden Globes after Jane Fonda's boyfriend Richard Perry passed out at his table are incorrect. Paramedics were called to the scene to treat an unidentified man who probably passed out after laughing too hard at Jeremy Renner's super great boob joke. [The Hollywood Reporter]

• Also injured at the Golden Globes: Kathy Bates. [US Weekly]
• Kim Kardashian's new neighbor is her former co-star, Ray J. [TMZ]
• Jeff Goldblum and his wife are having a goldbaby. [Page Six]
• Good news, no one! Justin Bieber is growing out his hair! [Gossip Cop]
• My name is Madeleine Davies and I don't care if Kaley Cuoco identifies as a feminist. [ONTD]
• Johnny Depp and Amber Heard sucked face in public, definitively proving that all acts of human affection are disgusting and should only be performed within the privacy of one's own home. [Dlisted]
• Kid Cudi and Lupe Fiasco are arguing about Kendrick Lamar's Ferguson comments on Twitter. [Billboard]
• Reports persist that Taylor Swift is sliding into Leonardo DiCaprio's DMs like... [The Hollywood Gossip]
• Hannibal Buress would like to remind you that plenty of women had accused Bill Cosby of rape before he ever brought it up. [TMZ]
• Was Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart's relationship a PR set-up? Eternally holds for spit-take. [Celeb Dirty Laundry]
• Katy Perry and John Mayer: Totally doing it again. [The Hollywood Gossip]
• One Direction's Harry Styles is reportedly dating Victoria's Secret model Nadine Leopold and it's like he doesn't even know that he could be dating an older, mean Jezebel blogger who would lie and tell everyone she was seeing him ironically instead. [Dlisted]
• The way Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan look constantly repelled and disgusted by each other really brings home the sexiness of Fifty Shades of Grey. [ONTD]

Photos via AP/Screengrab/Getty.