Merry Christmas From a Woman Who's Given Up!

In 2018, Melania decked the halls of the nation’s capital with blood-red trees so hot and evil that she had to wear gloves when touching them for the photo op. Last year, the theme was “The Spirit of America” and featured patriotic pinecones and a bunch of other crap that didn’t make much sense. For the last Christmas these two demons will spend in the White House, Melania basically threw in the towel; she hates Christmas, the decorating and the thinking and the bullshit makes her tired, so why not just let the staff or whoever do their thing while she packs her many suitcases and prepares for her exit from the political sphere?

“America the Beautiful.” Okay, girl, sure! Someone with a real sense of creativity and imagination could’ve gone buck with that theme—I’m picturing a tree decked out in amber waves of grain, surrounded by many small trees covered in purple, surrounded by yet ANOTHER layer of even smaller trees, with clouds made of cotton balls and blue skies. You know, the lyrics to the song, but in tree form. However, executing something like that on the level of grandeur that the White House Christmas decorations command would require a sense of whimsy and also a modicum of emotional intelligence. Melania lacks both. That means the decorations this year are simply very nice—like the lobby of an upscale Holiday Inn, or the atrium of the fancy mall.

This tree, which is located in some pocket of the White House, is a little ominous, but otherwise, fine? I’d say that we didn’t need the wreaths on both the inside and the outside, but I’m also not in charge of this shit, because if I was, I’d make this look a little less like a horror movie. Too many lights? Not enough lights? Dim the chandelier and try it again.

Maybe this is too many trees. Maybe this is enough. Nothing about this is tacky to me and the White House must smell so nice—like walking through those Christmas tree tunnels street vendors erect on the sidewalks every winter, providing a brief respite from the scent of garbage. The fact that these trees are NOT tacky and are instead just rather festive is indicative of how Melania’s definitely just given up. She can’t be bothered to be evil, so she let someone else make it nice.