Man Sets House on Fire While Trying to Boil His Dildos Clean

Here’s a cautionary tale for your Tuesday: Be very careful when cleaning your marital aids, you may just set your entire house (and the internet) on fire and then everyone will remember you as “the dude who burned down a house cleaning objects he pushed up his butt.” And that kind of title is going to stick with you. Forever.

This tale, first posted by BroBible, comes from Reddit, the internet’s confessional, where one man just had to let his shame out. And shame is right. What other things are you going to feel after setting your house on fire while trying to boil a few dildos clean? Also, real quick: Is that a thing? Don’t you just wash them real good? I know a former roommate used to put them in the dishwasher (gross, reason I moved out) but putting them into a pot to boil? What are you making? Cum-glop soup?

Here’s the whole story, which scores a one on the Reddit karma-whoring scale. That means I totally believe it because I have also accidentally almost burned down everything in my immediate vicinity while being distracted by the TV or the telphone.

My wife and I had a minor argument last night, so I figured I’d start the day on a positive note. Get some cleaning done, tidy up around the house, make everything extra nice while she relaxes. Among other things that needed cleaning, we had several sex toys (silicone dildos) that we’d neglected to attend to. Wanting to be thorough, I brought these downstairs, set them in a small pot of water to boil (element on MAX setting), and headed upstairs for a moment to call my dad and wish him well. Quick convo with my dad turns into an involved talk with mom and dad, and about 15-20 minutes later, suddenly my smoke alarm is loudly going off. Having completely forgotten about the dildo boil, I casually get up and prepare to disarm the “false alarm” taking place in my house… until a huge waft of black, inky smoke winds its way around the bedroom door.

I immediately think “WHAT IN THE EVER LIVING HELL IS BURNING” and at the same time hear my wife scream ” WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!”. I rush downstairs into a kitchen billowing disgusting, black smoke, and see a massive pillar of flame exploding upwards out of the tiny pot, which by now has been boiling dry for probably a few minutes. Wife is panicky, trying to activate the (luckily right at hand) fire extinguisher, failing with it, hands it to me and I finally manage to blast the noxious dildo blaze with the entire contents of the extinguisher.

Set the scene for you… Entire house is blanketed in a disgusting, probably highly toxic smog of burnt silicone, with tiny pieces of chemical ash over everything in the kitchen… I put on two surgical masks and run upstairs to open the windows — dumb move in retrospect, could’ve passed out up there and totally died — but at least this averts everything in our upstairs being ruined by dildo smog.

Moral of the story? Don’t ever clean your dildos. Buy the cheap ones and dispose of them immediately. Keep yourself and your loved ones safe.