Delonte Thomas’ first mistake in trying to be the best boyfriend he could be was to hijack the birthday party of a friend and demand that his own girlfriend be serenaded with “Happy Birthday.” His second mistake was trying to kill everyone who didn’t comply.

Bro Bible notes that Thomas, who apparently has no idea that the “Happy Birthday” song is worse than most other songs on earth with the possible exception of “This Is the Song That Never Ends,” has been sentenced to 333 months in prison after he shot three people more than 25 times for not keeping the mood festive. One woman, who was shot nine times, miraculously survived. The other victims also recovered after surgery. Thomas claims he has no memory of the incident and deserves a second chance.

From The New York Daily News:

“I’m the peacemaker, I’m the one to try my best to make it through a situation. I don’t recall having a gun. I don’t recall shooting (anybody). I just hope to get some type of mercy here.”

Honest words from a man who shot three people for being disrespectful only a year ago. Listen, it sucks when people won’t acknowledge your significant other’s birthday at the planned event for someone else’s birthday, but most people just sulk and then block “the haters” on Facebook. They do not, as Thomas did, disappear from the party, grab a gun, and return to protect their girlfriend’s honor by singling out and shooting the woman they feel most responsible for the objection to the song.

27 years for the attempted murder of three? Yeah, that sounds about right—even a little lenient. Wonder if his girlfriend will wait for him. I hear the winters get cold and lonely in Minnesota. :/


Contact the author at mark.shrayber@jezebel.com.

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