Love This Divorce For Jen

Justin Theroux told Esquire all about his divorce from Jennifer Aniston in a cover story published Thursday. Well, not all about their divorce, but enough that the rest of us can infer what needs to be known then shut the hell up about it forever, because these two former married people are doing fine and don’t need anyone prying.

Theroux’s been shacked up alone in NYC the last year; that sort of isolation is obviously not always ideal, and so it’s apparently been good for him to maintain friendships. “I don’t want to become a hermit. At all. What I’m most thirsty for now is friendship. Once that’s up and running, I’ll start thinking about the other stuff.” According to this new interview, one of said friendships is with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston, from whom he split in 2017 after seven years. As he tells the mag: “I would say we’ve remained friends. We don’t talk every day, but we call each other.” Being nosy, Esquire pries a bit more, and he cracks:

“Like it or not, we didn’t have that dramatic split, and we love each other. I’m sincere when I say that I cherish our friendship. We can not be together and still bring each other joy and friendship. Also, she makes me laugh very, very hard. She’s a hilarious person. It would be a loss if we weren’t in contact, for me personally. And I’d like to think the same for her.”

He also says this next bit, which is uniquely bro-y yet still totally endearing:

“I think that when you get good at relationships—and here I am, single—if you love the person the same way you loved them in the relationship, it would behoove you to love them the same way out of the relationship,” he says. “Who wants to take a shit while you’re walking out the door?”

He’s right! Why shit on the floor at all if we’ve developed toilets for that purpose. The good thing about those? You can flush them and never think about it again.

For years now since the split, tabloids have been outright fixated on the inner workings of Aniston’s love life, whether regarding Theroux or Brad Pitt or John Mayer or any of the other bearded white men in her dating arsenal. Probably because the gossip industrial complex can’t imagine a woman who is in her 50s with healthy relationships with her exes, no husband, and a totally chill career.