Love Is Dead Because Sweethearts Candy Hearts Are Gone

Image: AP

Valentine’s Day is a social construct that exists to remind people of either their crushing loneliness or that their relationship is past its expiration date, ideally while letting the chalky sweetness of a conversation heart melt on their tongue, mingled with tears. This year, for the first time in 153 years, that time-honored tradition will be no more. Ah! Egads! Help!

Necco, the candy company that is responsible for Necco wafers, closed abruptly in 2018, which means that the conversation hearts it is second-best known for will not be on the market for Valentine’s Day 2019. The reason for their absence is a matter of poor time-management (hm): Spangler, the company that bought Necco, didn’t have enough lead time to produce the estimated 8 billion conversation hearts that are generally made per season, so they just... didn’t. They’ll be on shelves in 2020, but there’s a very good chance the world as we know it will be over; we’ll be living in lean-tos made of discarded Airpods and cardboard boxes, there will be no more food, we will all be eating bugs and Lil’ Debbie snack cakes, and the sun will never set. Point being, 2020 is the end. We need them now.

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People, who first reported this devastating news, offered up a few other suggestions for those who are now desperately seeking succor:

But there are still plenty of ways to share your love with a significant other or Galentine this year. Sour Patch Kids debuted their own conversation hearts this year, and Brach’s version is still available in stores and online.

Additionally, Oreo revealed limited edition Valentine’s Day treats that have cute sayings printed on top, including “Dunk In Love”, “Let’s Twist”, “XOXO Oreo” and “Dear Cupid Send Oreo”; while Reese’s debuted their peanut butter cups packaged in emoji wrappers.

Pardon the fuck out of me, but all of these options are one hundred percent garbage. Give me a conversation heart that says “EMAIL ME” or give me death.

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