Lonely? This Creepy Chair Will Wipe Away Your Tears and Hug You Tight

You know that feeling you get when you come home to an empty house with nothing but the TV to keep you company and a delicious Swanson dinner with reconstituted brownie in the fridge? Well, your problems are solved. No matter how lonely you are, there’s now a chair that will make your life a joy.

What’s that? You don’t think a chair can bring you the same excitement that a human can? Well you are wrong. First of all, chairs don’t snore and they also don’t send you texts reminding you to dry the bathmat after using it and to wash the dishes before it gets home. Second of all, chairs can’t tell you that you’ve been sitting too long and that their arm is falling asleep. And third of all, there is now a chair that will literally hug you back whenever you need a boost of oxytocin and also validation that you are a lovable person.

Meet the Tranquility Chair, a $419 monstrosity of adorable that is being sold by UniCare in Japan. The chair is intended for mature audiences (meaning senior citizens), but UniCare says it’s perfect for anyone looking for a little comfort and “safety.” The chair doesn’t just hug you back, by the way. It also plays “nostalgic Japanese music.” I could be down for that, particularly if the chair were programmable and could play music that’s nostalgic for me, as well (such as The Corrs’ greatest hits).

Aside from bringing comfort to the average person, the Tranquility Chair is also meant to calm people who have anxiety, anger or are living with dementia. It’s a nice thought, but as someone who lives with anxiety, I’m much more frightened by the idea of the chair coming to life (LOOK AT IT) than comforted by its colorful human. Also: Couldn’t you make this at home for cheaper? Fuck it, I probably will get one when it inevitable comes to Target.