Pardon me for interrupting your afternoon, but I’d love to draw your attention to Pete Davidson, dressed like a first grader, sitting on the couch in Howard Stern’s Sirius XM studio, talking about Ariana Grande, social media, and a bunch of other stuff. Maybe I’m an idiot or maybe I just haven’t paid attention, but… Pete Davidson’s voice is confusing to me, sexually.
He is tall, skinny, blonde of hair, and strong of jaw—an irrefutable Would that I am not here to debate. His voice, however, does not seem like it should come out of his body! It’s deep, sonorous, full of gravel. A bullfrog, but hot.
“Your love story’s amazing,” host Howard Stern says. “Yeah,” Pete vocal-frys in response, and here I am, surprised! Never mind the fact that he was supposedly “jerking off” to Ariana Grande, according to Billboard, before he became engaged. Please disregard the fact that he said this: “Any time we’re intimate, I’m always apologizing and saying ‘Thank you. You’re awesome for doing this, thank you so much.’” Please scrub from your mind the image of Pete Davidson busting a nut and thanking Ariana Grande for existing. I’ll wait. Thank you.Where did that voice come from, from such a tall, lanky man? Why so deep? The vocal fry is what does it for me, personally, reminiscent of Bradley Cooper’s put-on country twang-growl, all grit and whiskey and hard living. Remember when Bradley Cooper touched a nose and made it sexy? Pete Davidson and his deep-ass baritone are doing the same thing for this oversized Giants starter jacket and Calvin Klein Jaws tee.
I am not going to say shit about big dick energy, which is probably the force that powers Pete’s voice’s timbre, but I will have you know that I am aware of it, and it is something I’ve considered. The voice is just surprising, that’s all, much like Jared Kushner’s adenoidal honk, but with the direct opposite effect downstairs.
“I don’t have the inner-net anymore,” he says, “but I assume they’re not very hah-ppy.” This hint of outer-borough accent, the big teeth. The smile. I get it. Pete Davidson’s voice is hot. Case closed.