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Let's Not Be Too Quick to Judge the Orangutans Embroiled in This Paternity Scandal

Illustration for article titled Lets Not Be Too Quick to Judge the Orangutans Embroiled in This Paternity Scandal
Image: Wellcome Collection

Y’all, there is paternity drama going down with these Swiss orangutans.

The AP is reporting that Padma, a 5-month-old orangutan in Switzerland’s Basel Zoo, is not the progeny of 14-year-old Budi, who shares an enclosure with mom Maja. Instead the father is Vendel, who lives in the next enclosure over.

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The star-crossed lovers must have fucked through a dividing fence, which, I mean, get it Maja. You didn’t ask to be stuck in an enclosure with (probably) milquetoast Budi. We want the dick we want, and if it just so happens to be the dick next door, that’s your prerogative. No judgement from this corner.

The endangered orangutans are part of a breeding program, and so their DNA is tested regularly by zookeepers.

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Look, normally I am not a fan of the talk show paternity test trope because it seems like some Scarlet Letter-style public shaming bullshit. But in this case, really, please fly these animals first-class to America, or fly Maury coach to them, I’m not really picky, for a “You are not the father” reveal. This is the daytime content I need.

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auntie-socialite
Auntie-Socialite

That header photo is everything.