Let's Just Stop With the Contouring Already

Sure, love is a battlefield, but makeup isn’t supposed to look like war paint. Still, women are drawing stripes all over their faces and taking liberties with bronzer in an attempt to create some kind of illusion—but they simply can’t escape the cold hard reality that they look like fucking idiots.

I blame Kim Kardashian for this. She’s been a real champion of contouring.

Her influence can be seen on the mangled faces of several reality TV stars. (From left, Lilly Ghalichi, Melissa Gorga, Nene Leakes.)

Here are two young women having a conversation on Teen Mom 2. They are classmates in makeup school. This is what your aesthetic future looks like, America.

But it’s not just reality stars who’re walking around looking like the cast of Zoobilee Zoo. Professional entertainers, like Nicki Minaj and Julie Chen, pay people to do this to their faces.

Here’s inverse Hamburglar Adrienne Bailon, striped-nose Aubrey O’Day and reliable disaster area Lindsay Lohan.

But seriously, you don’t need to reconstruct your face with a series of complicated shading and highlighting. It doesn’t make you look more beautiful. It only makes you look like a second-rate drag queen.

If you are unable to wash your face without recreating the Turin Shroud then you are wearing entirely too much crap on your face.