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Let's Just Stop With the Contouring Already

Illustration for article titled Lets Just Stop With the Contouring Already

Sure, love is a battlefield, but makeup isn't supposed to look like war paint. Still, women are drawing stripes all over their faces and taking liberties with bronzer in an attempt to create some kind of illusion—but they simply can't escape the cold hard reality that they look like fucking idiots.

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I blame Kim Kardashian for this. She's been a real champion of contouring.

Illustration for article titled Lets Just Stop With the Contouring Already
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Her influence can be seen on the mangled faces of several reality TV stars. (From left, Lilly Ghalichi, Melissa Gorga, Nene Leakes.)

Illustration for article titled Lets Just Stop With the Contouring Already

Here are two young women having a conversation on Teen Mom 2. They are classmates in makeup school. This is what your aesthetic future looks like, America.

Illustration for article titled Lets Just Stop With the Contouring Already
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But it's not just reality stars who're walking around looking like the cast of Zoobilee Zoo. Professional entertainers, like Nicki Minaj and Julie Chen, pay people to do this to their faces.

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Illustration for article titled Lets Just Stop With the Contouring Already

Here's inverse Hamburglar Adrienne Bailon, striped-nose Aubrey O'Day and reliable disaster area Lindsay Lohan.

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Illustration for article titled Lets Just Stop With the Contouring Already

But seriously, you don't need to reconstruct your face with a series of complicated shading and highlighting. It doesn't make you look more beautiful. It only makes you look like a second-rate drag queen.

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If you are unable to wash your face without recreating the Turin Shroud then you are wearing entirely too much crap on your face.

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DISCUSSION

ASmallTurnip
A Small Turnip

If anyone is looking for absolutely wonderful, sane, non-judgemental makeup advice (including contouring!), I highly recommend Lisa Eldridge's site. I only recently discovered her, and man, I wish I'd had her calm, easy-going reassurance when I was a teenager. I get really exhausted by the arbitrary laws that some people like to lay down about makeup, and Eldridge is a great corrective to that kind of censorious finger-wagging. Her philosophy is that there's no bad look, just poor technique, and Jesus, iisn't it refreshing to hear that? She's a proper, professional makeup artist, recently doing Keira Knightley's startlingly beautiful orange lip and Kate Winslet's crimson and violet look here:

But better even than her glamorus stuff is her massively helpful collection of vids explaining how to get the basics right. This one on how to cover acne honestly changed how I feel about my face. Seriously, go watch that and tell me you don't feel better about yourself. Then go dive into the rest of the tutorials on her site. She's a jewel.