Lean Into Full Dirtbag, Justin Bieber

Mustache, Exhibit A
Mustache, Exhibit A
Image: BACKGRID

It’s a new decade and Justin Bieber has a new mustache.

According to E! News, his once-loyal Beliebers actively despise the khaki wisp of facial hair, which I did not expect. Apparently they have been broadcasting their gentle disgust on his Instagram with comments like, “Justin I love you but please shave,” and “Justin please shave that thing off your baby face.” As well intended as his fans may be, they are wrong.

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Bieber has long experimented with varying degrees of dirtbag-esque. fashion; it was inevitable that this fascination would lead to questionable facial hair. Remember in 2018 when some random YouTube prankster who looked kind of like Bieber fooled everyone when he went viral for eating a burrito from the middle? Why was he able to get away with it? Let me answer that one: because he dressed like a streetwear-adjacent, California dirtbag. And it really worked. The Jezebel staff was fooled. Imagine if that guy had this mustache. Like, really consider it. The internet might’ve never uncovered the truth. To this day, I would still feel uneasy thinking about his eating habits.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that the light brown mustache works for him. It’s fuller then Nick Jonas’ 2018 attempt at growing something similar and it is (hopefully) less controversial than Timothée Chalamet’s brand new goatee. Let the man keep his whiskers. It will grow on his fans, just like it has grown on his face.

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If that’s not enough of an argument for you, how’s this: “Yummy” sounds a lot better when you consider it an ode to all the of treats (burrito or otherwise, which he totally eats the normal way) that cling on to the fair hair adorning his philtrum. That shit is funny.

In the end, my opinion matters don’t matter. If Hailey Bieber (née Baldwin) is on board, then that’s what counts, right? I don’t want to consider—nor have I ever considered—their sex life, but I do want the best for them and this week “the best” is dat ‘stache.

Senior Writer, Jezebel. My debut book, LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands, is out now.

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chocolate covered raisons d'être

Dafuq is with that IG pic? Is that his “least reliable meth dealer in Oklahoma” look?