In the olden days, when a woman scorned wanted to exact revenge on the man who hurt her, she might just slash his tires. But when you’re an international pop star, you can spread the gospel even further, and if Lana Del Rey has anything to say about the matter, it’s that revenge is a dish best served from the tippity-top of a highway billboard.
Earlier this month, Del Rey announced her latest album, Did you know that there’s a tunnel under Ocean Blvd, coming in March 2023. And this week, according to Complex, the 37-year-old posted a selfie on her private Instagram in front of a promotional billboard that was erected on a highway in Tulsa, Oklahoma…where one of her exes lives. “There’s only one and it’s in Tulsa,” she wrote, adding in the comments, “It’s. Personal.”
Let’s back up for a moment, because we’re not talking about just any ex-boyfriend—not a poet, nor a musician, nor an executive producer Zaddy type. The ex in question is Sean “Sticks” Larkin, a retired Tulsa cop who used to call himself, in all seriousness, the “Full Time Tulsa Popo.” Larson, who is D-list famous for doing cop things on A&E’s cop show Live PD, and Del Rey dated for six months between 2019 and 2020, according to People. Nearly three years later, the singer, who’s long demonstrated a proven track record of questionable judgment, has decided to infuse her album’s promotional campaign with a dash of petty, petty princess.
The level of petty Lana has employed here (including dropping the album announcement on Dec. 7, which is Larkin’s birthday) is aspirational, truly. It’s the recipient of the pettiness—the human embodiment of copaganda and a literal cop influencer—that has me spinning into the stratosphere. This man hosts a podcast called, Coptales and Cocktails. He uses bourbon emojis and #Ageless on social media as frequently as EmRata posts bikini pics. He wrote a book titled Breaking Blue: Real Life Stories of Cops Falsely Accused, and then asked his followers to buy it as a…stocking stuffer. Plus, this photo of Larkin captioned “meow…#guccigang” makes me want to throw bath salts in my eyes. All of this information was (fortunately for us, unfortunately for Larkin) public knowledge back when they first started dating, but the news cycle has required me to exhume it.
Lana, I’m sorry that a CrossFit-obsessed, justice-mocking, Blue Lives Matter boy hurt you, but what else would you expect from a CrossFit-obsessed, justice-mocking, Blue Lives Matter boy? Also, Lana, please. Be real. It’s hard for me to feel too sympathetic because, for fuck’s sake, you fell in love with a COP-FLUENCER. I cannot believe that is even a real job.
Then again, this checks out for someone who said Trump didn’t know he was “inciting a riot” and has used her friendships and relationships with “rappers” as proof she cares about racial justice.
Anywho, really good job on the petty front. I’m inspired. A word of caution to all my future exes: Break my heart, and you, too, could become the subject of a highway billboard.