Let’s talk about babies: No matter how you feel about the Kardashians, you have to admit that any baby brought into that household had no choice in the matter and should be pitied/envied accordingly. But they should also be admired because, goddamn did Kourtney and Lord Disick make a cute-ass baby.
Kourtney, who had the baby in December but has resisted posting pictures (HOW? Is she not a full-blooded Kardashian or something?) posted the first picture of the child (name withheld for reasons of embarrassment) on Instagram today, saying something about how she “loved her precious lamb” and gathering thousands of likes in the process. None of that matters, though. What’s important here is that this baby is cute as shit (which is a weird saying, because who really thinks shit is all that cute?) and will hopefully grow up to be healthy and strong and well-adjusted. OR VERY, VERY RICH. Two out of four ain’t bad.
- Big Ang, the only person left watching on reality TV (and whose voice you are reading this in right now), has been hospitalized for a throat tumor “the size of a lemon.” Get better soon, Big Ang: TV will literally collapse if you’re not on it. [Page Six]
- I hate the Duggars so fucking much. [People]
- Speaking of fucking: My neighbors are having the loudest sex right now and I really wish they would stop. No one cares about your dumb orgasm, lawyers next door! [My living room]
- Amber Rose wants to get back together with Wiz Khalifa. She’s made him her #mancrusheveryday and wants to patch things up. Part of me wants to be mean about this, but there’s another part of me slowly dying as I realize that bestowing people with hashtags is now a form of social currency that’s widely accepted. [Gossip Cop]
- Speaking of dying, here are the people celebrating their birthdays today: Michael Fassbender, Emmylou Harris, Christopher Meloni, Marvin Gaye, Linda Hunt, Hans Christian Andersen, Mark Shrayber, Pedro Pascal, Yung Joc, and Traci Braxton. But only one of those people is spending the evening with you! That’s right, it’s Hans Christian Andersen back from the grave to rail about what the fuck did Disney do to The Little Mermaid. You know she also dies in the end, right?
- Did you know that famed mouseketeer and one of my first-ever crushes Tony Lucca was on The Voice? Because he was. I learned this when I opened the Magic Piano app to shred on some fucking Vivaldi and was prompted to Lucca instead. He’s going to be in a movie now. [Movie Pilot]
- Liam Hemsworth: Shirtless. [E!]
- Kim Kardashian: Butt from the side. [E!]
- January Jones: Placenta pills just make her feel good. [E!]
- Jenna Dewan-Tatum hit a car and left her number. Celebrities: They’re nothing like us/me (same difference). [TMZ]
- Surprise! The guy who threw a banana peel at Dave Chappelle continues to be a giant waffle-face. (I don’t know what that means, it just sounds both insulting and delicious. If someone’s face were made of waffles, would you eat it? Y/N?) [Page six]
- Bradley Cooper is hanging out with the layyyyydies. [JustJared]
- Ciara’s album is coming!!!!! [Billboard]
Happy Thursday! Welcome to your nightmares!
Lead image via Getty