Image via Splash News.

Pascal Duvier is a very large German man who protects Kim Kardashian and Kanye West from groping “pranksters” and other assorted threats. He also has a very exciting Twitter account.

Right now, Duvier is getting trashed on social media for not being with Kim during an apparently nightmarish ordeal Sunday night, when she was reportedly tied up in her hotel bathtub and robbed at gunpoint by jewelry thieves. This was Pascal’s moment and I imagine he is quite upset that he missed it, although it seems strange to blame him—according to TMZ, there are reports that Duvier was trailing her sisters Kourtney and Kendall on a night out, since Kardashian was in (her ostensibly very safe secret celebrity hotel) for the night. Relatedly, I’m not sure whether Pascal Duvier ever sleeps.

Duvier has around 9,400 followers on Twitter, and to those followers, he doles out wisdom, cheer, retweets of nature photography, and misguided, pretty offensive musings on the nature of systemic racism. His bio reads: “Dedicated to my work. I tweet inspiring #quotes. Ask me good questions and I will answer. It is what it is. TMZ called me #BiggestBodyguardEver.” As you might imagine, there is much to learn.

Here are some lessons I’ve picked up:

1. You don’t become a bodyguard overnight.


2. It takes three steps to tackle a bad man.

3. You can’t touch God.


4. Trump is going to win and nothing matters.

5. Don’t focus on your problems, but also do.


6. In order to sacrifice yourself, you’re going to have to sacrifice yourself.

7. Turn down all but the most generous of modeling contracts.


8. There’s good security, and then there’s not good security.

9. Intimacy is life’s greatest hoax.


10. When you are in a bad mood, tell everyone.

Pascal Duvier has not tweeted since last night’s incident. Join me in praying that he logs back on soon.