The first 30 seconds of the Jurassic Park: Fallen Kingdom trailer had me convinced that a thick-necked Chris Pratt and freshly bang-ed Bryce Dallas Howard were going to give up this dino shit to fuck in that dive bar, but sadly, I was mistaken.
The plot of the latest movie about dinosaurs and Jeff Goldblum seems tissue-thin. “I know why we’re here. A rescue opp to save the dinosaurs from an island that’s about to explode. What could go wrong?” Pratt says. Your guess is as good as mine, but what it looks like is just about everything. The dinos have taken over! That lil’ raptor that Pratt hand-raised doesn’t quite remember him! Jeff Goldblum is still there! Bryce is wearing a sensible shoe! Isla Nublar is overrun by dinos who are probably not thrilled that they were brought back to life. Oh, and there’s a volcano. Sure.
Again—it’s not clear what our heroes will do if and when they save the dinosaurs from the exploding island. Will they go in a zoo? Will they buy an island near the Maldives and keep them there forever? Will they raze part of Manhattan, erect an enormous geodesic dome, entrap the dinosaurs there, and then charge money for people to watch? Will they find another fictional island—Isla Puntatropica, maybe—and put all the airlifted dinosaurs there, except one escapes and they have to go find it?
I don’t know! Maybe all of it will happen, or none of it. Maybe they’ll be eaten by dinosaurs and this will finally be put to rest. I guess we’ll find out in June.