This is nice, but we have a better idea. Image: SuperShe Island

Many things in life sound very wonderful and pleasant until one looks closer at the fine print. SuperShe Island, a new women’s-only wellness destination on an island off the coast of Finland, is one of those things—an expensive, exclusive “wellness” retreat that, upon closer examination, looks like the setting for a very dark horror movie.

The New York Post reports that founder Kristina Roth got the idea after taking a couple of restorative vacations at the Ashram in Calabasas and Ranch Malibu. Her experience at these two resorts was soured slightly by the presence of men. When the parents of the Finnish man she fell in love with told her that there was an island for sale next to the island that THEY owned, she said “I’m not interested, I just bought a beautiful piece of land in Turks and Caicos — I’m really not interested.” But, in the ultimate twist—she really was. She bought the island, is doing stuff on the island, and preparing said island to open as a women’s-only wellness destination for week long stays, some time in June. Here’s some more info:

Although the females-only approach sounds exclusionary, Roth insists she’s not a man-hater. (“I love men!” she says.) She’s open to the possibility of gentleman SuperShe visitors in the future.

So far, however, SuperShe voyagers have all come from within Roth’s inner circle. Once reservations open to the public in July, Roth says she’ll vet interested parties in a similar way to Soho House, which requires current members to vouch for applicants. Costs are to be determined.

The website for the island features an ominous 3 minute video that, if set to shrieking strings or this track, entitled “Lucifer’s Hymns,” would make for a very convincing horror satire about lifestyle vloggers and wellness—think a very hygge Ingrid Goes West, but someone dies. It also features a variety of categories like “Fun,” “Fly,” “Friends,” and “Fit” that are more telling of its true intentions—SuperShe Island isn’t just a fun place you go for vacation with your friends for hiking and restorative meditation sessions whilst plucking juniper berries for funsies. It’s the first step in the wellness-industrial complex’s pivot away from Tulum and beach-adjacent venutres; in 2018, we will better ourselves through hiking and GORETEX and handfuls of GORP. Everything is poison and toxins are everywhere; fresh air and the breeze off the Baltic Sea are the only answer.

An island absent of men is the premise of Charlotte Perkins Gilman’s 1915 novel Herland, and it’s also a nice thing to think about every now and then. However, SuperShe Island is rudely exclusionary. Islands are for everyone! Islands without men should be a right, not an expensive privilege. And while SuperShe island’s promo reel looks REALLY lovely, we at Jezebel aren’t trying to pay a billion dollars for a super-fance island experience where we are slowly smothered to death by linen sheets and rough-hewn wooden furniture. Everything we need for an island without men is within grasp, in the trusty confines of our Cabinet of Free Garbage and Candy.

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Expired Plan B. Sheet masks. Tampons in fancy cardboard tubes. Saltine crackers. A crossbow. A brick of $100 bills, lashed together with scrunchies. A Sweet Valley High board game. Grit. Determination. Gumption. No men.

Welcome to MediocreShe Island. (Unlike Roth, we do somewhat hate men.)