This week, Maxim magazine revealed its annual list of the hottest 100 women Maxim editorial assistants could find this year and arbitrarily ranked them based on a top secret sexability formula made with 11 herbs and spices. Here at Jezebel, we're above that superficial bullshit* and have fashioned a similarly arbitrary list based on the men with the 100 best personalities we could find. Did your personality spank bank fodder make it?
Before we dive into Jezebel's First And Possibly Only Annual Hot Personality 100 List, here's a little background on how we picked the members of this list, and why they occupy the places they occupy in the rankings:
One afternoon, we all brainstormed for about an hour about men who did funny and cool things and then compiled them into a completely arbitrary list, in much the same way we imagine Maxim makes its list but with fewer craven publicist wars. Some of these men are very conventionally physically attractive; others are less symmetrical. But who the fuck cares? It's what's inside that counts, most of the time.
Why? Because he's smart and hard working and really gives a shit.
Hillary reports that he was super chill.
SNL's unsung linchpin, in our humble opinion.
Even as Pennywise the evil clown in Stephen King's It, Tim Curry seems like a fun dude to be around.
The best kind of relationship is one you can just be quiet around each other, you know?
These identical twins are the Mayor of San Antonio and the Congressman from Texas's 112th district, respectively. Normally, identical twins are creepy, but these dudes seem cool.
He's always seconds from losing it and beating the shit out of a "perp" or general asshole, but he makes up for his lack of impulse control by keeping a straight face during some truly cheesy dialogue.
Everybody loves a brainiac.
Not a great President, but seems like a great guy.
10/10 would hang out with.
Outspoken feminist and overall adorable man.
On this list because he managed to make one of the most douchey, predatory characters in the history of non-Two & A Half Men television somewhat likable. Give this guy his own variety show so we can all hang out with him at once!
Who wouldn't want to wear sweatpants with Coach, Schmidt, Nick and Winston? Hell, we'd nonsexually share a pair of sweatpants with them.
85. The dudes who run Khim's Millennial Mart who keep Kate shopping there even though it's really overpriced
We have independently verified that everything there is very overpriced. But the man who works behind the counter — especially the older one — has very kind eyes. We're sure he's using the money for something good, like dental school for his son or educational field trips for his daughter.
In the words of Madeleine Davies, who nominated him: "He's so noble! And you can't go wrong with Jerry Orbach."
Real talk: Robin Hood is one of the few Disney protagonists that wasn't kind of a douche.
Imagine being at a party with George Takei. Imagine how much fun you'd have.
Ladies love a big, throbbing imagination. And that's kind of Willy Wonka's whole thing.
Nobody but Rihanna is having more fun than Billy Eichner right now. And we want in.
Former Gawker staffer Cord Jefferson has moved on to greener (TV) pastures, but that doesn't mean that the Jezebel staff has forgotten about him. Not only is he a consensus dreamboat, he's the sort of person who never seems like he's looking around the room while he's talking to you.
Also, he doesn't seem to realize how hot he is. Which is itself hot. Sorry, Cord.
Writes beautiful music and says beautiful things. The type of man a lady can wear her glasses around.
Ex Utah Governor with a close knit, goofy family and an assured, reasonable vibe. We all want to trick or treat at his house so badly.
This concludes the Jo(h)n section of this list.
Totally Biased was a great show partially because Bell seemed totally cool.
Once we went to a post-show DJ set he did at a bowling alley and it was one of the most fun nights we've had since moving to New York City. And this is a fun-ass town.
He miraculously makes morning TV slightly less awful.
The world would be better off with more Sheriff Barts and fewer Hedley Lamarrs.
For bringing the hammer down hard on Donald Sterling, who America is united in hating.
Kate reports that Neville Longbottom smells fantastic.
Also everyone picked on him and he still grew up cool. That takes some resilience. He could have easily Draco'd out.
67. Mark's partner who sends him every interesting link he can find with the subject line "FOR JEZEBEL!!!!"
Mark's partner is adorable.
Seems like he'd make you a pot of tea and keep you entertained with alternating wild-eyed and deadpan impressions of English historical figures (also, hot).
We want Vanity Fair's pop culture king to narrate and review everything. If we had our way with Richard Lawson, he'd be working constantly, so hard that he fell ill with exhaustion in a matter of weeks.
Can verify that he's fun as hell.
Brilliant on films like Magnolia, hilarious on films like Stepbrothers, and whenever we hear him in interviews we just wanna raw dog with his brain.
He's a human Pixie Stick.
Never has such boyish sass been so successfully conveyed in one tousling.
Remember when he was on Humans of New York and said that cute, cute, cute thing about his wife and fireflies?
A couple of months ago, a few Jezebel staffers went to see Tyler Perry's The Single Moms Club in theaters and he was literally the only tolerable element.
Among the better of the Twitters. Author of laughtears.
Nothing makes a kiss better like smashed celebration cake.
This New York Times movie critic turns hating on a bad movie into a hilarious art form. Rumor is, that around the Times newsroom, he goes as "Tony Scott," which somehow makes us like him more.
Smarter than the average anybody, with impeccable music taste.
Because of this:
Cartoon hearts are now shooting out of all of our face holes.
But mostly Coach Taylor.
For a good time, spend an afternoon googling "Peter Dinklage with baby" and then go down a K-hole of clips of him on late night shows and try to honestly say that you don't kind of want to be his best friend.
An outspoken feminist man who kicks ass and works very hard at being good at his job (which requires him to be very strong, like a Hulk).
They're great at making a lady feel very slightly significant in a city where every day is characterized by a feeling of crushing insignificance.
Hank and Lefty are twin beagles that wandered into Kelly's parents' yard as tiny abandoned puppies. Someone had dumped them out at the highway, probably, and Lefty made it all the way down to Kelly's parents' house (down a 2 mile dirt road). Kelly's sister found Hank wallowing in a mud puddle closer to the road, so it's fair to say Lefty is the brains of the outfit.
Lots of reasons, but mostly because of this.
Brave, foul-mouthed, and funny.
He's going to hate that he's included on this list, which is why we collectively love him. Never change, you old ginger coot!
Mr. Rogers for a new generation.
All smokers of weed on staff report getting top notch service from their respective weed delivery men. What a country.
He's not Tumblr's boyfriend for nothing.
There's something undeniably cool about a person who bucks gender stereotypes to pursue their passion, whether that's owning the shit out of the Dewey decimal system or kicking field goals.
Best fictional dad ever.
That HBO show of his isn't half bad!
Jason Momoa would likely make a list of just regular-hot people, but recall: the way he talks about his wife. That's love, and you can't beat love.
If you don't already love Brian Williams, we don't have the time to explain to you why you're wrong. There are still thirty-seven more men on this list!
He was gay before it was cool.
Gentle ice cream making hippies. What a delicious sentence fragment.
So handsome he could have gotten away with being a real prick, but instead opted to be decent as hell.
Not even death can stop his unrelenting Good Guy-dom.
Everybody loves him. He's so cool and nice.
Made the world less scary for millions of little kids. Normcore pioneer.
Rarely does a person with as much power as Pope Francis have such convincingly deep laugh lines. He is the opposite of dead behind the eyes. Welcoming and loving even to people with whom he disagrees. Almost makes the lapsed Catholics on staff want to believe in God again.
He doesn't have to do this, but he does it anyway. <3 <3 <3
Always fun, never mean. Can rock a captain's hat and flight suit like it's nothing. He's also a former NYU professor, a Ms. Pac Man champ and makes piñatas in his spare time.
This pitcher is Callie's boyfriend.
Alcoholic, paunchy, disturbed, and obsessive. We are all convinced we can save him.
Intensely gives a shit.
Everyone's second favorite scientist. World's friendliest mustache. You can hear it in his voice when he speaks that his brain is working three times faster than his mouth will.
He's real shy about being real tall, which is real cute. Also, his wife rocks.
A pair of angry Muppets.
Come to think of it, would make a good Muppet.
Not a famous guy, just a great doctor. The world needs more good doctors.
Fiercely anonymous Twitter photoshop master who will sometimes make mock up images of other people's Tweets in an impressive turnaround time. Also very nice.
During a recent trip, Lindy and her mom were trapped in a hotel room for days. John Gidding's charismatic hosting was all that kept them sane.
A bright shining diamond in everything he does.
Violently decent men. Really.
Remember how in Father of the Bride, Martin Short played Frank and BD Wong played his assistant and it was just a completely delight? That film is now 23 years old, older than the daughter character in that film.
We're all gonna die!
The only one who reliably seems to have his shit together on TODAY. Sorry, Willie Geist.
Not only is our art director a genius, he's also kind and funny and likes to talk about his kid.
He's always had a grubby, lovable everyman appeal, but his recent Alzheimer's advocacy has rocketed him up the list of the Jezebel Hot Personality 100.
Seems like a fun guy to hang around.
Olympic freestyle skier Gus Kenworthy's puppy adoption was the best part of the Sochi Olympics.
We would all grandpa the shit out of New York Times fashion photographer Bill Cunningham. All of New York City would.
All of them — Ron Swanson, Tom Haverford, Greg PikitisPerd Hapley, Andy Dwyer, Jerry Gergich, Ben Wyatt, Chris Traeger, and even (or, if you ask Kate, primarily) Jean-Ralphio — are fantastic.
Science rules. Inertia is a property of matter.
Coates is the Leonardo da Vinci of thinkpieces. We mean that in the best way possible.
All of our dads are great.
Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart: Better Than Our Dads.
*We are not, in fact, above the superficial bullshit. We at Jezebel regret the error.