Welcome back to the Jezebel Summer Olympics and today’s battle of artistry and resourcefulness. After Tuesday’s wild Facetune ride, our contestants were asked to continue their creative streak by constructing a work of art using nothing but items already present in their homes. The instructions were sneakily simple from lead judge Clover Hope: “Recreate a kids’ craft project” called Trash to Treasure. Competitors had to find a recyclable item and transform it into a piece of art fit for a museum installation. But after the tiring exercise of making Mitch McConnell look human, were our players up for such a daunting task?
First up was Tuesday’s gold medal winner Megan Reynolds, who submitted a craft that wasn’t just good-looking but functional. Reynolds created a “blankie-holder for the child reluctant to let go of their blankie and for the parent who wishes they had something slightly nicer to carry said blankie around in so that it does not drag on the ground collecting dust and cat hair.”
Also going for functionality, as well as style, Emily Alford crafted a gorgeous “blooming paperweight,” ironically out of paper, to brighten up any dining room table turned office desk.
The remainder of our competitors all turned to their recycling bins and restrooms to transform their boring toilet paper rolls into exciting, artistic houseware.
Esther Wang made a collection of towers for the industrious child adding, “No child with an ounce of self-respect would ever want to do these crafts.”
Probably still mulling over the idea of demon-fucking, Hazel Cills made “The Toilet Roll Tower of Hell,” which is reminiscent of Botticelli’s illustration of Dante’s levels of hell.
Lisa Fischer, a representative from the nation of Chromatica, chose to use this crafting opportunity to pay homage to her native land with a “‘Rain on Me’ stick, made of a paper towel roll, half of a pipe cleaner, markers and command strips since I have no tape.”
Fischer also issued an apology to Chromatica’s prime minister Lady Gaga, for her own inability to draw.
The final submission in the illustrious toilet paper roll category was Rich Juzwiak, who truly elevated the competition with a minimalistic portrayal of a semi-healthy children’s lunch.
Due to the unexpected level of talent, lead judge Clover was forced to consult a panel of art experts on which piece should take home the gold. Renowned GMG artist Elena Scotti, said, “Put ’em all in the MoMa! The standout piece here for me is the toilet paper roll hot dog. Feels very honest. Not as much the sides accompanied. And the second, she’s beauty, she’s grace, she’s the pink lady light-up rain stick.” Likewise, GMG’s own Chelsea Beck crowned Rich the unequivocal winner for his “extremely relatable Depression meal art.”
The hot dog also caught the eye of esteemed judge and Jezebel senior producer Jennifer Perry, who said, “The hot dog is reading very BBQ Interrupted, which I feel like I can identify with, in the covid times.”
A clear winner had emerged from the pack.
Gold medal: Rich Juzwiak
Silver medal: Emily Alford
Bronze medal: Lisa Fischer
Megan Reynolds: 1 gold, 1 silver
Emily Alford: 2 silver
Rich Juzwiak: 1 gold
Hazel Cills: 1 gold
Lisa Fischer: 2 bronze
Esther Wang: 1 bronze