Jezebel Olympics Day 2: Maybe Facetune Will Help Mitch McConnell Look Like a Human Being

Illustration for article titled Jezebel Olympics Day 2: Maybe Facetune Will Help Mitch McConnell Look Like a Human Being
Image: Courtesy of Jezebel Staff

Welcome back to the Jezebel Summer Olympics and brace yourselves for a challenge that will certainly haunt your nights to come. Today, Olympic commissioner and lead judge Clover Hope doled out a Herculean task for our Olympians: Facetune a photo of Mitch McConnell to which one competitor, my colleague Esther Wang, responded, “Cursed challenge.”

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Cursed indeed. Equally cursed are the edited photos of McConnell sent to the panel of distinguished judges.

Here is the original photo that our contestants were given free rein to edit:

Illustration for article titled Jezebel Olympics Day 2: Maybe Facetune Will Help Mitch McConnell Look Like a Human Being
Image: Getty (Getty Images)
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A classic McConnell pose: neck dangling, mouth tucked in, eyes reptilian. Our competitors had their work cut out for them, especially considering not a single participant knew how to operate Facetune. It is appalling that any of them are allowed on the Internet without that necessary skill.

Our first submission comes from Lisa Fischer, who effectively translated McConnell’s amphibious nature with a stunning shade of green:

Illustration for article titled Jezebel Olympics Day 2: Maybe Facetune Will Help Mitch McConnell Look Like a Human Being
Image: Courtesy of Jezebel Staff

In an exclusive interview, I asked Lisa, yesterday’s bronze medalist, about her motivations behind her Facetune choices. “I realized that he would probably rather be seen in his truest form,” Lisa told me, “which is as a cold, heartless alien sent from another planet to destroy Earth or a turtle, depending on how you look at it.”

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Next Emily Alford, who is hungry for a medal after being unable to podium in Monday’s cut-throat smize competition. “Mitch has always struck me as a vain, yet deeply insecure little demon set on hurting people from a place of deep disappointment over never having had lips,” Emily told me in the locker room, “So I gave him some, along with highlighter and a fun spackling of glitter where eyebrows might go on a creature who is not a supernatural agent of chaos.”

Illustration for article titled Jezebel Olympics Day 2: Maybe Facetune Will Help Mitch McConnell Look Like a Human Being
Image: Courtesy of Jezebel Staff
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Is there nothing highlighter can’t fix? (Apparently yes.)

Next was Esther Wang who submitted a double-entry–only a single photograph, the bug-eyed selection below, was considered in the judging process, to keep the game fair.

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Illustration for article titled Jezebel Olympics Day 2: Maybe Facetune Will Help Mitch McConnell Look Like a Human Being
Image: Courtesy of Jezebel Staff

“I think I really captured his essence,” Esther said of her handy work.

After a searing loss to his rival Megan yesterday, Rich was out for blood this time around. Rich prefaced his submission with, “I don’t know how to Facetune!” But based on his masterpiece you could never tell.

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Illustration for article titled Jezebel Olympics Day 2: Maybe Facetune Will Help Mitch McConnell Look Like a Human Being
Image: Courtesy of Jezebel Staff

Why so serious Mitch? Let’s put a smile on that face.

The final submission was from yesterday’s gold medal winner Hazel who seemed to be of one mind with Esther when it came to McConnell’s eyes.

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Illustration for article titled Jezebel Olympics Day 2: Maybe Facetune Will Help Mitch McConnell Look Like a Human Being
Image: Courtesy of Jezebel Staff

It was an extremely difficult choice for the judges but the winner was decided by one small almost invisible thing, McConnell’s lips.

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Only one contestant was able to transform the Senator’s slits of flesh into an almost human mouth and that was today’s champion, Megan Reynolds.

Illustration for article titled Jezebel Olympics Day 2: Maybe Facetune Will Help Mitch McConnell Look Like a Human Being
Image: Courtesy of Jezebel Staff
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All the judges agreed that not only did McConnell look the most alive he’s looked in years but his lips were adjusted to fitting shade that we would consider purchasing the McConnell Nude if it ever went on sale at NYX.

About today’s competition, lead judge Clover had this to say: “I appreciated everyone’s inability to take this seriously and to paint Mitch as the true goblin he is. However, Megan completed the task with efficacy.”

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Gold Medal: Megan Reynolds

Silver Medal: Emily Alford

Bronze Medal: Esther Wang

Check back here tomorrow for Day 3 of events.

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