Go Ahead and Fuck a Demon, But Make Sure He Pulls Out

Live a little
Live a little
Image: Hulton Archive (Getty Images)

As the unmitigated disaster that is covid-19 continues its path of destruction across this great country, Donald Trump has endorsed the teachings of Houston-based doctor Stella Immanuel, who traffics in the false beliefs that hydroxychloroquine is a suitable treatment for the virus and that face masks aren’t necessary. While these two medical claims are clearly false and should not be trusted, Dr. Immanuel’s belief that gynecological issues stem from people having sex with demons deserves further consideration.

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According to the Daily Beast, Dr. Immanuel “has often claimed that gynecological problems like cysts and endometriosis are in fact caused by people having sex in their dreams with demons and witches.” While I don’t believe that cysts or endometriosis are caused by fucking a demon in your sleep, I do think that they could be the result of letting that demon come inside of you.* This leads me nicely to my main point: if you’re going to fuck a demon, you certainly should, but do not let that demon jizz inside you, even if he is wearing a condom! Demon jizz is either the problem or the cure, but whatever it is, it’s not good for you. Fucking that demon, though? That’s worthy of consideration.

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My limited understanding of demons informs me that most demons are disguised as humans and are walking amongst us, anyway. Knowing that means that there’s a great chance that we’ve already fucked a demon to begin with, and any emotional or physical fallout from the act itself is a result of the power of the demon dick. Even trace amounts of demon jizz are enough to cause an emotional breakdown that spans for weeks at a time.

Dickmatization is actually a demonic act—it’s not emotional, it’s only partly physical, but mostly, it’s the result of letting one of Satan’s handmaidens disguised as a man who claims he “has the antibodies” in his dating profile stick his lil’ pecker up in your shit. If that dick was good in the way that good dick can be, naturally, you’ll want it again, even if it’s bad for you and makes you want to die a little bit emotionally. This push and pull—the desire followed by immediate revulsion— is the direct result of a demon dong touching your insides.

A demon is an otherworldly being with the knowledge that comes from being alive since the dawn of time. Demons have likely been fucking mortals for eons, leaving a trail of distressed and heartbroken people in their wake. With every human whose life a demon ruins, the demon gains important and essential knowledge about fucking that they impart onto their chosen partners, making them really good at fucking and also, somehow, irresistible. Fucking a demon would be incredible, only because it’s definitely not something you should be doing. When the dick hits right and you know it’s hitting where it needs to, well, sorry to tell you, that’s a demon up in it! Sometimes we don’t know until we actually need to, and by then, it’s too late.

It’s not essential to seek out demons for sex because they will inevitably, always find you, whether you like it or not. Just know that when your neighbors know that demon’s name, you’ve got it real bad. And don’t let that demon nut up in it, but if they do, accept your fate. Demon jizz isn’t quite death, but hey, at least it’s interesting.

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*I do not actually think this is true, I am reasonable and believe in science.

Managing Editor, Jezebel

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For Megan’s sake and sanity, let us all pray this pandemic ends soon. Girl needs to get out.