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Jezebel Olympics Day 1: Smize Like Tyra Is Watching

Clockwise from top: Hazel Cills, Megan Reynolds, Rich Juzwiak, Emily Alford, Lisa Fischer, Esther Wang
Clockwise from top: Hazel Cills, Megan Reynolds, Rich Juzwiak, Emily Alford, Lisa Fischer, Esther Wang
Photo: Courtesy of Contestants

The opening event of the Jezebel Olympics was a contentious battle for first place with one athlete being docked points due to late submission. As a sideline reporter, I was able to get exclusive access to Emily Alford’s athletic trainers, who tell me she will be back in prime condition for the next round.

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Contestants faced off, literally, in a competition to see who could pull off the most Tyra-approved smize with the added challenge of wearing a CDC-recommended face mask. A team of anonymous impartial judges was assembled by lead Olympic official Clover Hope to choose a winner.

Each contestant did their best with their own interpretation of the smize with the early favorite being Rich, who says, “I did not cheat and smile with my mouth.” Could he have been throwing shade to his fierce rival Megan who admitted to “grinning maniacally” under her mask? It’s possible. But with Megan and Rich out of the running for gold, silent killer Hazel was able to manifest the most authentic smize of the pack, winning over the judges in a split decision. “I think I succeeded here, even if my smize is more joyful than sultry, which is what I associate with the Tyra-style smize,” says Hazel.

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Emily, forced to compete on her day off, explains, “The panic of being startled from slumber, the lingering memory of pleasant dreams, the probability of not changing out of this robe today, and likely some eye boogers—all there in the smize.”

Lead judge Clover had this to say, “While I was initially torn between Hazel and Megan for the win here, I chose Hazel’s smize for its subtlety. There is a charm in her eyes and, upon consulting with others about whether you could tell she was smiling if you passed her on the street, they agreed. The goal of a masked smize is to share a ‘knowing’ smile without overdoing it. Megan gets silver because you can obviously tell she’s smiling and wants whomever she is greeting to know. I love Lisa’s brows, so she wins bronze.”

When asked about her brows doing all of the work in clinching the bronze, Lisa said, “Maybe I should consider a modeling career where I only show half of my face. They could run ads on my forehead.”

Gold Medal: Hazel Cills

Silver Medal: Megan Reynolds

Bronze Medal: Lisa Fischer

Check back here tomorrow for Day 2 of events.

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DISCUSSION

yodasneglectedbrother
Yoda’s Neglected Brother

Rich is absolutely not gonna murder you in your sleep. No siree bob.