The elite athletes of Jezebel have convened once again on the hallowed ground of their own respective couches to bring to you the 2020 Jezebel Olympics, alternatively dubbed The Only Summer Olympics. As the sole avid sports fan on this website, it is a joy and a privilege to announce what will surely be the greatest non-athletic competition of 2020.
This year’s games won’t just test the physical grit of our contestants but their mental agility and resourcefulness, as they will have to supply all of their own gear and materials for each challenge. Unlike 2018, it’s not the coolest who will walk away with the invisible medal of victory—but the craftiest.
Competitors will be asked to undergo the most difficult at-home feats: smize while wearing a mask, write a poem, replicate a children’s craft project, Facetune a famous person, and execute a Nailed It cooking challenge. This year, competitors will be competing as individuals and will carry the burden of being the only representative of their nation. Let’s have a heartfelt welcome for our contenders:
Representative of Modelland: Rich Juzwiak
Representative of Chromatica: Lisa Fischer
Representative of Dicktopia: Megan Reynolds
Representative of Christian Mingle: Emily Alford
Representative of The United Woodlands of America: Esther Wang
Representative of Metacritic Archipelago: Hazel Cills
Please rise for the playing of each country’s national anthem.
Check back later today for the winner of the first round.