Welcome to the Jezebel Olympics, the Only Olympics You're Getting This Year

Welcome to the Jezebel Olympics, the Only Olympics You're Getting This Year

Jezebel OlympicsJezebel OlympicsAn at-home multi-sport event

The elite athletes of Jezebel have convened once again on the hallowed ground of their own respective couches to bring to you the 2020 Jezebel Olympics, alternatively dubbed The Only Summer Olympics. As the sole avid sports fan on this website, it is a joy and a privilege to announce what will surely be the greatest non-athletic competition of 2020.

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This year’s games won’t just test the physical grit of our contestants but their mental agility and resourcefulness, as they will have to supply all of their own gear and materials for each challenge. Unlike 2018, it’s not the coolest who will walk away with the invisible medal of victory—but the craftiest.

Competitors will be asked to undergo the most difficult at-home feats: smize while wearing a mask, write a poem, replicate a children’s craft project, Facetune a famous person, and execute a Nailed It cooking challenge. This year, competitors will be competing as individuals and will carry the burden of being the only representative of their nation. Let’s have a heartfelt welcome for our contenders:

Representative of Modelland: Rich Juzwiak

Representative of Chromatica: Lisa Fischer

Representative of Dicktopia: Megan Reynolds

Representative of Christian Mingle: Emily Alford

Representative of The United Woodlands of America: Esther Wang

Representative of Metacritic Archipelago: Hazel Cills

Please rise for the playing of each country’s national anthem.

Check back later today for the winner of the first round.

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DISCUSSION

Here’s the opening procession to commemorate this global event. I’m Greek, so I generally get to go at the front of the line, but I was only allowed to pick one person during pandemic and thought I'd do the Jezzies this solid...