Jezebel Olympics Day 10: The Winners and the Losers

Illustration by Sam Woolley.
Illustration by Sam Woolley.

When I lit the Jezebel Olympic torch (turned on my stove) on Monday, August 8, and paraded it around the Olympic stadium (cooked an egg on top of it), I never could have known how eventful the next two weeks would be, and what a hollow mood this awards ceremony (me screaming into my freezer) would have.


How could I have known that we would see a series of unmatched victories by Team Sex that would define the group as one of the greatest squads in Olympic history? That I would make as many enemies as friends? That one of the teams’ websites would cease to exist?

There were some highlights: When Team Sex’s Emma Carmichael swept the Olympic-naming competition; When Hamilton Nolan made so many more trash can baskets than he had to, and Bobby Finger’s historic comeback to win a silver medal; When Madeleine Davies, Gabrielle Bluestone, and Clover Hope demonstrated extraordinary knowledge of Real Housewives, making for a memorable race; When Team Deadmodo tweeted an independently good tweet for the love of competition; When Ashley Feinberg manipulated a group of 20 adults in order to force an event she knew she could win.

Hope quickly distinguished herself as Most Valuable Player, competing, and often winning, in six of the nine events.

“It was a sad day to be the best at everything,” she said of the honor. “And everyone was a good sport!”

Overall Standings:

All-Around Team Gold: Team Sex (4 Gold medals, 1 Silver medal, 1 Bronze medal = 15 points)


All-Around Team Silver: Team Gawker (2 Gold medal, 1 Silver medal, 2 Bronze medals = 10 points)

All-Around Team Bronze: Team Deadmodo (2 Gold medals, 1 Silver medal, 1 Bronze medal = 9 points)


Tied for Fourth Place: Team Fashion (2 Silver medals, 3 Bronze medals = 7 points) and Team Celebrity (3 Silver medals, 1 Bronze medal = 7 points)

Congratulations to the competitors, and God bless America.

Senior Editor, Jezebel



Gawker’s medal count must be bittersweet, like the medals won by the Austro-Hungarian Empire right before World War I eliminated them as a country.