Look at her stuff, isn’t it neat? Wouldn’t you think her collection’s complete? Nope! Turns out dating a man who can regularly claim the title of “richest man on Earth” depending on the tides of capitalism will not satiate Lauren Sanchez, for she must not rule just the land with her beau, but the sea as well!
This past week, Sanchez (aka “alive girl”) and cyborg baldy Jeff Bezos have been cruising around on their brand new $500 million yacht, Koru. She (boats are women, remember) is the second biggest sailing ship in the world and took her maiden girlboss voyage about a month ago. On the bow of the ship is a sculpture that looks strikingly like Sanchez. In fact, I think it is supposed to be Sanchez! Alive girl, ahoy!
Perhaps the figurehead was Sanchez’s idea, or perhaps it’s Bezos’ way of making up for the lackluster birthday party he threw for her 53rd in December? Maybe late one night they were scrolling through Pinterest yacht ideas on their iPads in bed and Bezos turned to Sanchez and was like, “Babe, I have the craziest idea, what if we put you on the front of the boat,” and she blushed and thought to herself, “Our love is priceless, let’s underpay some laborers to make that for us.” Just some billionaire fanfic for you.
According to my research (the online publication Marine Insight, thank you very much) figureheads are “a carved representation of the spirit of the ship,” which I think means that Koru’s spirit is that of a puckered-lipped entertainment reporter who occasionally popped by the short lived Joy Behar Show. Marine Insight also explains that a ship’s figurehead of a topless, sexy lady has historically been seen as an offering to tempestuous waters.
Over on my favorite website, Super Yacht Fan, I also learned that Koru apparently costs $25 million a year to run and operate and requires a crew of about 40 people. The name “Koru” means “loop” or “spiral” in Māori and signifies new beginnings. Can’t think of a better name for a ship decorated with the woman you cheated on your former wife with!