Everything Jeff Bezos Touches is Super-Sized…Except His Girlfriend’s Birthday Dinner

If there’s one place I never need to step foot, it’s an “intimate” birthday dinner hosted by Jeff Bezos, our collective nemesis who likes phallic rockets and dislikes treating workers like humans. However, I have to ask, when everything about his billionaire life screams “supersize me,” why is his girlfriend’s birthday celebration this freaking basic?

Over the weekend, according to Page Six, Bezos fêted girlfriend Lauren Sanchez on the occasion of her 53rd birthday. I am loathe to commend a capitalist machine of a man (even one who sends sexts as embarrassing and hilarious as “I love you, alive girl”) but at the very least—the bare minimum, in the depths of hell, at the tip of Hades’ pinky toe—he is dating someone his age following his divorce. (Of course, it’s important to note here that said sexts were sent to Sanchez in 2019 while Bezos was still married to MacKenzie Scott. Dick.)

It’s unclear how much effort he put into the celebration, though, because appears to have been shown up by Sanchez’s best friend, philanthropist Laura Arrillaga-Andreessen. I mean, what is a birthday for if not an out-and-out competition to figure out who loves the birthday girl most? Sanchez, a former actor and news anchor, and now a helicopter pilot, thanked both Bezos and Arrillaga-Andreessen in a birthday Instagram post but lavished far more praise on her gal pal:

“I just wanted to express my gratitude for the amazing experiences and love that I’ve received for my birthday. First and foremost, I was blessed to have such an incredible birthday celebration thrown by my dear friend Laura Andreeseen (my wonder twin ), from the helicopter cake, to the poem she wrote, to the most beautiful setting in the world. It was pure perfection. The room was filled with the most incredible and supportive women, and I am so grateful to call them all friends.”

First of all, girl wrote a poem—a simply unbeatable personal gift. Second, Arrillaga-Andreessen somehow got a couple of heavy hitters to attend, including Kim Kardashian, Kris Kardashian, and Kimora Lee Simmons. (It made me chuckle that Page Six called this gathering a “lavish party with some of Hollywood’s biggest names” when really, it’s two or three, depending how you define “biggest.”). And third? Well, Arrillaga-Andreessen did a lot more than simply…making a ressie.

(As an aside, I’d love to know how Kim and Kris explained the invite to Kourtney, who admitted in a Vanity Fair video last week that she had no idea who Jeff Bezos is. During a lie detector test administered by her sister Khloe, Kourtney was shown a photo of Bezos and asked if she would listen to business advice from him. She “sorry to this man”-ed the billionaire, but had a decent excuse: “You guys! I don’t watch the news,” she explained in the Vanity Fair video. “I do watch Yellowstone…”)

After showering her friend with multiple sentences of love, Sanchez finally got around to thanking her boyf: “Then…my love surprised me with an intimate dinner where he gave a speech that had everyone in the room laughing and crying.” One sentence. Ouch!

I have a couple lines of inquiry regarding the Bezos part of the weekend. Why is the billionaire playing second fiddle to the bestie? As one of the richest people on the planet, it appears he couldn’t do more than calling in a reservation for a dozen or so people (that’s my rough estimate of what Sanchez counts as “intimate”). It’s just so…normal! Boring! You’re rich as hell, and we’re going the nondescript-brownie-with-a-candle-in-it route? For someone who so desperately wants to “talk to” and “plan with” and “listen and laugh” with Sanchez, this dinner is saying absolutely none of that. Pay up, empty your pockets, and throw down. If Bezos loves her enough to subject the world to some of the most illogical, stupid sexts of all time, he should at least be the one throwing the “lavish” party—because nothing says “lavish” like a man with $113 billion and not a conscience in sight!

Then comes the matter of the invite list. Why wouldn’t Bezos—the dude who is friends with The Rock, David Geffen, and Pete Davidson—host the more star-studded event of the warring parties? If there’s any reason to date someone as morally compromised as Bezos, it’s money and power. But this birthday dinner is giving all Cheesecake Factory and no clout!

Anyways, happy birthday to Sanchez. We wish her the best, despite being billionaire-pilled by a man with so little game.