I know, I know, you’re probably thinking, “No shit, Ashley” or “We realized this five years ago, dummy” or, as one friend put it, “I’m sorry Princess Diaries 2 wasn’t enough?” But yes, it’s true: Chris Pine was not my preferred Chris of the White Chris quartet, despite Jezebel’s long-held definitive position on the matter. Until now.
For those who (somehow) don’t know, the White Chrises are as follows: Chris Evans, Chris Pine, Chris Hemsworth, and Chris Pratt, all actors, all white, all named Chris, all stupid famous and stupid rich from big movie franchises. My favorite white Chris was always Chris Evans, best known for portraying Captain America—not because I’m a Marvel freak or anything, but because he’s... well, really hot? He also seemed like a safe default for the favorite White Chris: Handsome, good enough guy, and only mildly annoying on Twitter. Last year, watching White Chris Evans in the whodunit Knives Out underscored to me that Evans was still a perfectly acceptable choice for Best White Chris (as long as I ignored that dorky bipartisan project of his and that photo of him with Ted Cruz). He looked really good in all those sweaters, how could I resist?
But my loyalty was apparently finite because all it took was Chris Pine with a mustache and looking really dirty while riding shitty cars to completely convert me to his corner.
Here’s how it happened: Last week, my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to watch Hell or High Water with him. All I knew about this movie is that Pine is one of the stars, there is some criminal activity involved, and people apparently liked it. But as I watched, I realized I was completely willing to place Chris Pine leaps and bounds ahead of the other White Chrises.
I mean, yes, Hell or High Water is a great movie and Pine plays a very effective brooding Texas criminal on the run from the law. But I mostly came away thinking, “Was Chris Pine hot all this time and I just didn’t realize it?”
Apparently, as several people reminded me, the answer is “yes, you fucking idiot.”
Look at him beat this asshole up and tell me you aren’t kind of turned on:
And here he is grunting a lot:
Chris Pine has usually tied with Chris Hemsworth as my second place white Chris; Hemsworth is very hunky... almost too hunky. But he always seemed like a nice enough guy, and the Australian accent doesn’t hurt. Meanwhile, I was apparently not familiar enough with Pine to realize that he is, actually, the god tier white Chris. I had only really seen him in a couple of Star Trek movies a decade ago now, and he wasn’t really that hot to me then, but I was charmed by some GIF of him crying during an Oscar speech a few years ago, and it was enough to award him a tentative second (sometimes third) place position.
Then there’s Chris Pratt, a distant fourth place of the White Chrises, whose conservatism is a far bigger turnoff than the fact that I never found him particularly funny or attractive. Pratt gives me MAGA frat boy energy, and nothing dries up my vagina faster.
So back to Chris Pine: His role in Hell or High Water required him to grow some rugged facial hair and wear some dirty denim tops and jeans that almost convince me that I need to find me a cowboy. That’s all it took, this one lil’ movie, and it got me going Chris-Evans-Wearing-Sweaters-In-Knives-Out who? Thor who? Crisp Ratt whomst?
If you haven’t seen this movie yet and Pine also isn’t your favorite White Chris, I implore you to watch it. It’s on Netflix. Please, don’t make my mistake. I’m so ashamed that it took me this long to realize what was right in front of me: Pine is the best White Chris, because he can act, he’s hot, and he seems to be a genuinely sweet guy.
Thank you, that is all. This post was brought to you by “my god I need to get out of my fucking apartment for a second.”