Internet A-Tizzy Over The 'Next Amber Cole'

If you’ve ventured onto Twitter within the last few days, you might have noticed an unfamiliar name in the trending topics. Clicking over to the April Pratt topic page reveals that she’s not a scientist or athlete or political candidate. Like many female internet sensations, she’s another young woman filmed giving some guy a blow job. Just like Amber Cole! But this time, of age, and with nut-bubbles! How is everyone not bored with this yet?

Pratt’s video appears on a porn website, and it’s implied that she performed fellatio on a man following a job interview while one of his friends committed the act to video. During the first portion of the tape, she tells viewers that she’s a student at the University of Memphis.

Reactions to the video range from generalized finger wagging at Pratt for being such a blow job giving hussy, generalized appeals to women in the world to refrain from blowing dudes on camera, emphatic claims that SOME women are CLASSY, hand wringing over the state of the internet and fame, and observations that both Amber and April start with the letter A without understanding the irony of the Hester Prynne-web video Twitter shame connection. Some Tweeters preferred to simply observe with appreciation the fact that Pratt seemed to be quite skilled in the realm of mouth sex. Per usual, no one wondered where these men’s fathers were, who raised them to be so willing to let a strange woman tongue their genitalia, and why this was a thing that was sexually exciting to them. If the filmmaker has such a jones to watch his friend get a blow job, maybe he should have given him one himself. It would almost seem less gay than saying “Aw, yeah” as he ejaculates.

When video of 14 year old Amber Cole hit the internet, people felt a need to comment, and with good reason. Cole is underage, and so everyone who watched it consumed child pornography, which is pretty fucked up. Cole is the depressing but logical output of a society that pushes women to prove their adulthood by sexually acting out and then shames them for doing so. Also fucked up. As with the case of April Pratt, the woman performing the sex act was the object of derision, while the male participants were let off without. Again: fucked up.

But a “new Amber Cole” April Pratt is not.

April Pratt is of age aspiring porn star who performed a fairly pedestrian sexual act with a male who consented. She consented to be filmed, the recipient of the braining consented to the act, and the man who filmed consented to film. Pratt’s proud of her recent internet notoriety, today taking to YouTube to marvel at how many views her video has gotten (almost a million) and give a shout out to “haters.” Despite the outpouring of haterade, she doesn’t seem daunted. “April Pratt is trending with ‘my favorite Beyonce lyrics!” crows she, and then she gives us all useful dick sucking tips. Whatever bubbles your nuts, Pratt. We’re bored.

At this point, the most noteworthy thing about someone doing something with someone else’s privates is the fact that we still make such a big fucking deal about it. Yes, that’s a penis. Yes, that’s a woman’s mouth. Yes, that’s ejaculate. Let’s all carry on with our daily lives and quit acting like we’ve never seen a blow job before. Move along, folks. Nothing to carry on about here. Literally hundreds of people are getting blow jobs right this second. By the end of the day, thousands of people will have received blow jobs. Maybe you’ll get a blow job! Maybe you’ll give one. Maybe you’ve already given or gotten one today. But enough with the gathering, giggling, judging, and Tweeting.

There are real things going on in the world. Kardashians are getting divorced.