I'm Sorry to Report that Jason Momoa Is Actually Gaston

Jason Momoa, a grown man who calls bowel movements “poopsies,” has revealed another facet of his personality, leading me to believe that he is no longer a Would but instead a Can You Not.

During an appearance on Good Morning America, Momoa’s Aquaman co-star Amber Heard shared a behind the scenes anecdote that is maybe supposed to endear Momoa to anyone not enchanted by his rippling pectoral muscles, but has the opposite effect.

Heard, a self-confessed “bookworm,” spent much of her time on set harnessed 30 feet in the air. The wardrobe people on set made her a book bag out of green-screen cloth so that she could keep it on her person and read in between takes. That’s nice! Love to think about Amber Heard reading Middlemarch whilst dangling from a wire—a peaceful image, no? The book bag, apparently, wasn’t just for her own education, though: it was to save her literature from the meaty paws of Momoa.

“He adopted this method of ripping out the pages of my book so I would pay attention to him,” she said on Good Morning America. “It would drive me crazy because I’d have 30 pages left and it would be gone.” Come on, man. This is not cute. This is what a cartoon man who eats 16 eggs in one sitting does.

Please take a moment to picture this scenario. Amber Heard, dangling on a wire 30 feet in the air, removes a book from her green-screen cloth rucksack—The Goldfinch, or maybe Less, a book that I found pedestrian, but Heard might like—and turns to where she marked. The spine is cracked; the pages are gone. From behind a pile of discarded mermaid tails and broken tritons, Jason Momoa titters. “You will never find out what happens in the end,” he whispers. “Look at me, look at me, look at meeeee.”