'I'm Smuggling Cocaine and Heroin in My Coochie'

Well, here’s a reminder to us all not to tell our friends and family about our illegal activities. Sloppiness like making a call to your mom or confessing to a buddy over beer is often the reason perps are caught — your bff starts blabbing and you go to jail. For example, I might say I won’t tell your secrets, but I will. I just want everyone here know you should never trust me, no matter how much I might beg and whatever riches I offer in return. Two things: I will tell someone and I am broke. Now take that lesson and extrapolate it to most people you know — especially drug dealers and/or addicts, because they’re shady as shit.

One other bit of advice to future felons: Don’t write the details of your unsavory transactions anywhere, whether it be in your diary or GMail. Locks can be picked, email can be hacked, nowhere is safe!

To drive this lesson home, I’m going to tell you the tale of Samantha Kurdilla, a 22-year-old woman recently arrested on suspicion of drug smuggling. When caught at the Mexican border by a drug sniffing dog with a job, Kurdilla initially stated that the druggy aroma was just because she’d been smoking pot at a party in Tijuana. However, when further questioned, she admitted to having a condom filled with cocaine and heroin in her vagina. Oops.

In addition to the confessions, federal agents retrieved some particularly damning evidence during a search of Kurdilla’s cell phone. Text messages sent to an unknown individual left little doubt as to what Kurdilla was doing south of the border.

“I’m smuggling cocaine and heroin in my coochie,” Kurdilla wrote.

See! Trust no one, not even your cell phone. Also, don’t do drugs* and refrain from ever using the word “coochie”.

This raises some questions.

According to the Smoking Gun, Kurdilla works at the Meadows Racetrack and Casino in Washington, Pennsylvania, about 25 miles south of Pittsburgh. So what was she doing in San Diego? Did she come out to party and then decide to up the ante by stuffing her vaginal cavity with drugs? Or is this part of a much bigger operation? And if so, is it done willingly or is their coercion involved?

Maybe I’m getting too Maria Full of Grace on this, but drug smuggling is big business, and with four tunnels recently found at the borders, and many high-profile recent arrests, nothing would surprise me. I hope all drugs were safely removed from their hiding places, and Kurdilla gets the help she needs. However, having had some friends deal with possession charges in federal court, I don’t have high (har?) hopes. War on drugs, blah.