I'm a Size 18 Yogi, and Lululemon Can Kiss My Fat Ass

Lululemon, like many major retailers before them, likes to pretend that a size 4 is the size of the average woman in the United States. Despite much evidence to the contrary, they cater their overpriced wares to an America that doesn’t exist, and have no desire to change their dumb-ass ways. Therefore, I meant what I said about them kissing my fat ass — go ahead, Lululemon, I’m waiting for you in Downward Dog.

According to former employees, Lululemon carries a few “larger” sizes — a chubbotron 10 and obesity monster 12 — but they just don’t have that many of them, and what they do have is crumpled and hidden in the back of the store.

“All the other merchandise in the store was kind of sacred, but these were thrown in a heap,” former employee Elizabeth Licorish told The Huffington Post. “It was definitely discriminatory to those who wear larger sizes.”

Lululemon hasn’t spoken recently about their feelings on the issue, but in 2005, founder and former chief executive officer Chip Wilson said that it takes 30 percent more fabric to create plus-size clothes, and he doesn’t want to charge more for plus-sized pants because “plus-size people are sensitive” and the company would experience fallout from the community.

“It’s a money loser, for sure,” he said. “I understand their plight, but it’s tough.”

So many questions here: Is it a money loser for sure? 30 percent more fabric than what size? Are they sure fatties would riot if they had to pay more for their potentially see-through pants? It’s not like anyone goes into Lululemon expecting to walk out with a reasonably priced item of clothing.

They claim their next CEO needs to have Oprah Winfrey on speed dial — uh, she can’t fit into your clothes, but maybe when you speed dial her up, she can yell some common sense at you. But, here, let me try before you bother O.

As we already know, many clothing stores offer zilch for the average-sized American woman, and it’s hard to see how that’s good business. As Dodai pointed out, ModCloth conducted a survey — polling over 5,000 women — and found that there were more “wearing a size 16 dress than those who wear a size 2 and size 0 combined.” I’m sorry, but that makes Lululemon and their ilk of size-discriminating companies not just judgmental pricks, but big fucking dummies when it comes to money.

And as I understand it from a source at a major clothing brand that offers plus-sized options, they have no problem passing the price on to the customer. Women desperately want to shop in store, and when given the option of trying things on in person — they’ll shell out the extra moola.

Still, it doesn’t fucking matter. Because Lululemon doesn’t want me to wear their real house pants of Beverly Hills, and I don’t want to wear them either. Maybe it’s a little like calling the girl who rejected you ugly, but seriously: Eat a bag of dicks dipped in a bag of dicks with a side of fuck you very much.

You’ll now never know if I might’ve worn your pants if you made your store accessible to women of every size. You miss out on the big bucks from big ladies looking to get into yoga in hopes of getting fit. You’ll also miss out on the big bucks of the big ladies who are already fit who want to see if the hype surrounding your precious pants is legit. It’s just a whole lot of closing yourself out of the conversation, just because your worldview is narrow and tired — oh, and it’s not working out for you financially, either. So sad, too bad.

It’s just another way in which the world gives fat people mixed messages — lose weight, fatty — but, uh, do it in an xxl Hefty bag in the corner of a dark room SO THAT THE SUN SHALL NEVER KNOW YOUR HIDEOUS FAT FOLDS. If exercising is the mythical path to skinniness, doesn’t it make sense to give fat people workout clothes that fit so we can be less fat? Yes, I think you can all see what I’m getting at here (or at least Lululemon’s new CEO should be able to — he/she must be a magical yogi unicorn who poops goji berries and pisses coconut water, after all): I blame you for obesity, Lululemon.

So, fuck you, Lululemon. Fuck you and your see-through pants, your Ayn Rand, and your child labor. Plus-sized customers are expected to spend about $332 million on athletic wear this years — and that’s at specifically plus-sized stores alone! — and you won’t get one fucking penny of that — or of the $14 billion plus-size apparel industry. Big mistake. Big. Huge.

In dramatic conclusion: I hope your business continues to die in a ditch, and then I hope you’re run over by a tractor driven by a pair of $34.94 size 26 Old Navy Women’s Plus Active by Old Navy Compression Yoga Pants.