If You’re the Phantom Pooper of Broadway, I Just Want to Talk

I read a lot of news for my job here as an investigative gossip journalist. I have to know who is who, who is doing what, and where all of these whos are at while doing their whats. It’s common for all of these news items to coalesce into a dense globule in my beautiful, smart brain. It’s easy for me to lose sight of which celebrity is redefining beauty culture on their own terms or which tech-water brand is sponsoring the latest reality show cheating scandal. But one news item and its details have remained crystalline in my mind.

Someone is pooping in the aisles of Broadway.

Yes, unfortunately someone has been leaving steamy dumps in the middle of the aisles at Broadway theaters seemingly during performances. Page Six reported on the latest shit-cident, which occurred last week at a performance of Some Like It Hot, where both Hillary and Chelsea Clinton in the audience. “The lights came up for intermission and there were two human turds in the aisle just near the famous political duo,” a source told Page Six. Two human turds?! You sure it wasn’t Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr?!!? Ayyy! I’m walkin’ here!

Anyway, back to the matter at hand, which in this case is poop on the carpet. Page Six got mixed messages from its insider sources: One claimed it was an isolated excrement, but another overheard the house manager say it was the fourth time such a thing happened. A cursory Ask Jeeves revealed a “mystery pooper” who “has turned Broadway into the Great Wipe Way” tormented the New York theater-verse in 2019.

Inquiring minds, my own dense brain globule included, want to know…well, a lot of things. Firstly, how is this Broadway crapper managing to get away with this? I mean no offense to the actors on stage but what show running right now is so compelling you wouldn’t notice someone pulling down their pants mid-show and shitting in the aisle. Jessica Chastain is getting great reviews for her work in A Doll’s House but not “transports you out of this world so that you don’t realize someone’s pooping next to you!” good. Perhaps this whole thing is viral marketing for a Urinetown revival?

The number two inquiry I have is: Might the assailant be pooping elsewhere and just dropping their shit on the floor as they pass by? That would certainly be more sneaky, though, again, feels like something that could also easily be traced back to the poo-ligan. Don’t these theaters have security cameras? Call me James Comey and “release all the tapes” I say!!!

The last thing I demand to know is, when did this damn country lose its dignity?! First a president is assassinated in a theater and now this?! Disgusting. Curtains (and TP), please.