I’m Training for the Paul Mescal Marathon in 2024

I’m not a strong runner, but I have gone to great—and shameful—lengths in the name of horniness. My endurance when it comes to letting men with accents embarrass me? Olympian. I’m the Flo-Jo of fuck boys. Thus, when rumors of Paul Mescal’s alleged proclivity for literally running away from his hook-ups began circulating over Christmas, I was flooded with more than the usual dose of delusion. I, Audra Heinrichs, could keep pace with him.

In case you’ve been living offline and in the holiday moment (lame!), someone—who, exactly, remains unclear—on TikTok began gossiping about the Oscar-nominated actor’s alleged hook-up habits in North London. Specifically that he’s not only fond of initiating threesomes, but he enjoys park strolls with women he’s spent the night with…only to leave them in the rearview of his slutty little short-shorts in an epic Irish goodbye.

@hannahzookpop

#greenscreen merry christmas! #paulmescal #paulmescaledit #paulmescalmarryme #paulmescalrun #celebritynews #popculture #celebrityrumors

♬ original sound – Hannahzook

“Someone on TikTok apparently said that Paul Mescal is going out with these girls and then in the morning he’s taking them to a park and then physically running away from them,” Hannah Zook, a user on TikTok, said in a video explainer of the rumor. Another user called Erin Mary Smith repeated the rumor, telling viewers: “Paul Mescal basically goes around North London—and this is from lots of sources—begging women for threesomes, and then when he gets with a girl, he’ll say to them the next day, ‘hey do you want to go for a walk?’ and in the middle of the chat, he will just leg it.”

Paparazzi photos have shown Mescal is an avid runner, but that he might also be adept at fucking and flying…banging and bolting…humping and hastening…grinding and galloping…rubbing and racing…frankly, the possibility just makes me giggle. If fact, I’ve never been more amused by a man’s alleged whoring.

Is there a strong chance that the rumors aren’t true? Absolutely. Has that stopped the internet from having an absolute field day with them? Not at all. Truly, Twitter hasn’t been this fun since Ron Desantis’ flaccid campaign launch. “Unfortunately the more ick inducing info about Paul Mescal comes out the more certain I become that I could pull him,” one user wrote, sadly echoing my own thoughts. “girls with avoidant attachment hearing the paul mescal rumors,” tweeted another alongside a video of a gleeful man filming himself enjoying some fireworks. If you haven’t yet been on Twitter and/or TikTok since the rumors began circulating, consider my suggestion to do so expeditiously a belated Christmas present from me to you.

In the midst of it all, Mescal appears to be just…enjoying his time off with his family, with activities that include ripping shots and cigs, and, more generally, lounging whilst looking like someone I would gladly tear my ACL for.

In the new year, I wish Mr. Mescal a lot of rest—so much so that he might even just become a little out of shape. Meanwhile, I’ll be loitering outside of bars in North London and training as if my life depends on it…because, well, it kind of does.