How to Poop a Rainbow

Since the dawn of humanity, mankind has wondered about the most intricate mysteries of the universe. Why are we here? How did life begin? And, most vexingly: how do you get your poop to change colors?

When my editor first proposed this scholarly work, I was skeptical (Editor’s Note: This is a complete lie. C.A. started immediately shouting about “Molecular Poopology” and speculating about what would happen if he ate a My Little Pony. Not a stuffed animal — an actual My Little Pony). Was I up to this task? Would I have the fortitude to push it out? She also told me that I could just look this stuff up on the Internet rather than trying it myself (and somehow convincing others to try it for me), an idea I rejected immediately. I mean, if we can’t have journalistic integrity on our poop-related posts, we might as well just shut down the Internet altogether and go back to communicating in smoke signals or whatever the hell people did before Geocities became a thing. Anyway, the quest was on, and I wouldn’t rest until I had answers.

Fortunately, I wasn’t alone. Numerous brave souls — Jezebel commenters, Jezebel writers (well, one Jezebel writer), my imaginary friends — all agreed to help by putting themselves in the very real danger of producing something that looked like a clown’s last meal, all in the name of Human Discovery. Here are our scientific findings (note: it counts as “scientific” if you wear a white coat and shout “I’M DOING SCIENCE!” a lot in lieu of peer review, right?):

Green

Food: Spinach Nuggets, which are apparently a thing.

Source: Le Petit Comte, son of Kinja user LaComtesse.

Explanation: The fact that kids eat a lot of weird shit is certainly not new information, but it does occasionally result in something magical. LaComtesse’s son seems to love these weird-ass Spinach Nuggets, and the result is that her bathroom winds up looking like Swamp Thing has suffered from intestinal distress in there. Still, the little guy has done much to further the human understanding of poop refraction, so I salute him and his spinach-y turds.

Pink

Food: Frankenberry.

Source: Jezebel’s own Rebecca Rose.

Explanation: I’d read that Frankenberry makes you poop like a unicorn, and I set out to prove it for myself — only to find out that apparently grocery stores and Targets in Pittsburgh don’t fucking sell Frankenberry. Dammit. Fortunately, Rebecca had experienced this phenomenon in the past and was able to confirm it for me. I wasn’t able to ask her any follow-up questions, however, as she immediately began shouting about vodka and shirtless Daniel Craig, so I still don’t know whether pink dookies come from other sources, such as eating a Lisa Frank drawing. Alas, this forbidden knowledge will have to wait for another time.

Orange

Food: Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

Source: Me. I have no one to blame but myself.

Explanation: You might be asking yourself: “don’t Flamin’ Hot Cheetos turn your poop bright red?” That’s what I thought going in, too. That’s certainly what I’d read. It turned out not to be the case, though; at least not for me. My poop did change color, but to a curious and more-than-slightly disconcerting yellow-orange that almost seemed to faintly glow. That also may have been the Pikachu I roasted and ate the day prior to the beginning of the experiment (it was a free-range, humanely-killed Pikachu, calm down), but I’m choosing to believe it was the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

Oh, and by the way, forcing someone to eat Flamin’ Hot Cheetos for any reason should be classified as a fucking war crime. That shit is less a food than it is a chemical weapon. If it had actually turned my poop red, it wouldn’t have been the food coloring, it would’ve been the internal injuries. Halfway through the bag, my kidneys started to hurt, and I’m not actually joking about that in any way. At one point, I coughed up Flamin’ Hot Cheeto dust and I think I blacked out for a minute.

Blue

Food: Blueberries.

Source: Kinja user Everything is Shiny.

Explanation: I think this entry marked the point at which I felt a momentary pang of guilt over repeatedly shouting at my Facebook friends to do my bidding and debase themselves for the sake of my comedy article. The moment passed quickly, of course. After all, how could they refuse? Did they not know what was at stake, here?! Fortunately, where my other friends shied away from giving themselves Acute Blueberry Toxicity Syndrome in the name of Science, Everything is Shiny stepped up to the plate and gave herself a toothache (no, seriously, too many blueberries does that, apparently) in the quest for blue turdnuggets.

Turns out, blueberries absolutely can give you a case of the alien shits. I think we are all richer for our awareness of this fact.

Purple

Food: Beets.

Source: Kinja user and noble gentleman Kaiserawesome.

Explanation: I had read that Beets turned your poop purple, but I wasn’t sure whether to believe it. Purple was the golden unicorn of this experiment — if humanity could successfully turn someone’s feces purple, there was no limit to what could be accomplished. There are literally dozens of potential scientific uses for this phenomenon that I will be sure to share as soon as I make them up. Lo and behold, though, this one worked, and did it ever. Kaiser reported that the next day, his poop had turned a surprisingly vibrant shade of purple. Just like that, the impossible dream had become a reality.

This one is also unique in that in addition to its potency, it had curious staying power. Kaiser’s poop was still bright magenta a full TWO FREAKING DAYS after eating the beets. Then again, he ate enough beets to fell an elk, so it’s not all that surprising.

Black

Food: Guinness.

Source: Kinja user PrincessFluffyButt.

Explanation: PFB made the hard sacrifice of getting really shitfaced on Guinness for me. Truly, hers was the worst of all possible lots in this experiment. It was a tough job, but someone had to do it. And apparently, reports are correct: Guinness causes you to recreate the La Brea Tar Pits in your toilet (note: you should probably seek medical attention if you find pieces of an Apatosaurus in your stool). Good to know.

Gold

Food: Gold Pills. No, really.

Source: The Internet.

Explanation: It’s official: there exist pills that will bling out your dingleberries, and they cost $425. They use actual gold leaf (since gold is not digestible), and you can mail-order them. Historians will some day mark the existence of these pills (along with the Doritos Locos Taco) as the point at which American society crossed the point of no return in its fall into decadent oblivion.

I wasn’t able to test this out personally, as for some reason, Jezebel was unwilling to shell out the cash necessary to buy me dubious Internet pills whose only purpose was blinging out my floaters. THANKS A LOT, GAWKER MEDIA. There are potentially awards at stake here!

Speaking of which, to the Pulitzer committee: you know where to find me. I expect I’ll soon be receiving the nomination notification for Investigative Journalism.