On Tuesday evening, Hillary Clinton, the know-it-all, and Bernie Sanders, the hippie, went upstairs to get some privacy.
Everyone at D.C. High knows that the two of them are really going through something crazy. They just wanted to hash out some things while the rest of the gang was downstairs for the party. Their relationship has been literally the only thing people at school have been able to talk about for months, other than how Donnie keeps giving swirlies to all the minorities in school—an unexpectedly dark prank that has the teachers scratching their heads and letting out loud, honking wails without any warning; Donnie’s dad pays their salaries, so they there isn’t any boss they can report him to.
Anyway, everyone found it very difficult to concentrate on the beer pong tournie downstairs when Hillary and Bernie were chatting upstairs. (They also invited Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook, campaign chair John Podesta, Bernie’s wife Jane Sanders, and Sanders’ campaign manager Jeff Weaver to join them, which, I don’t know, I guess that’s their clique.)
I was there last night so I know. Okay, I wasn’t there, but I was invited. Okay, no I wasn’t, but only because I never go to those dumb parties that are basically only for Hillary and Bernie to parade around and show all their friends how cool they are. But people were texting me about it. Okay, they weren’t texting me because I don’t personally know anyone who was there? But they were all tweeting, so I could, like follow along. And nobody from that crew’s blocked me yet so...
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Anyway, everyone was all stoked for them to come downstairs and let us (okay, them) know what they were talking about. But they never did. They snuck out the back door. My guess is that they hooked up and were too embarrassed to say.
One of Hillary’s best friends told the New York Times that the meeting was “a positive discussion about their primary campaign, about unifying our party and about the dangerous threat that Donald Trump poses to their nation,” and “agreed to continue working on their shared agenda, including through the platform development process for the upcoming Democratic National Convention.”
BORING. We know all this stuff already, Hillary lackey! We know Hillary is winning Prom Queen at the DNC—she is friends with basically the entire planning committee and has worked really hard to do everyone favors her whole time at high school so that now they owe her. Say what you will, but she has foresight. Also, Bernie hasn’t helped himself—every time a girl tries to talk in one of his classes, he says, “Actually...” and then talks for the rest of the period about the agricultural revolution.
Finally, they knew we all needed some news so they told all their friends the exact same thing—in the exact same words even.
Cool, guys, just keep it to yourselves then.
Images via Getty.