It turns out that the really super mean horrible copy criticizing women's appearances in the National Enquirer—namely, the tabloid's semi-annual cover stories dedicated to the "WORST Beach Bodies" and "Plastic Surgery Nightmares"—are mostly written by one guy. Naturally, I was dying to know what the authority on women's beauty looks like. So I found his Facebook page.
When flipping through a recent issue of the Enquirer in a checkout line I could not believe that someone would actually want a byline attached to shit like this:
Melanie Griffith, 55, has one of Hollywood's freakiest faces.
It's time for Madonna to stop reinventing herself. The 54-year-old superstar, who has denied having plastic surgery, was a frightful sight at a recent New York fundraising event… Madonna, you're trying too hard and it's not working.
It's time to get some guts and visit a plastic surgeon for Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger, 51, and singers Pink, 33, and Debbie Gibson, 42… If the ladies don't want to have work done, there's always the option of one-piece bathing suits and grown-up tops that cover their bellies.
But for Don Gentile—a veteran news reporter who worked at the New York Daily News for 34 years before going to the Enquirer—it doesn't seem to be a problem. Perhaps it speaks to his age that he wouldn't think that people would read such nasty sentiments about women's physical appearances and turn to social media to check out what kind of Adonis he is. If he had, he probably would never have worn that SpongeBob shirt in those selfies he posted to his Facebook page. (Update: We've had to remove the Facebook photos due to copyright issues; we've replaced them with an accurate sketch.)
Or maybe he's just not worried about something like that because he believes he's doing us all a favor with his work, like when he talked shit on Janet Jackson, next to a before-and-after where she looks nearly exactly the same today as she did 20 years ago in Poetic Justice.
Let's face it, Janet Jackson has lost that natural beauty she had years ago. The 46-year-old singer looked like a fragile China doll when she attended a recent fashion show in Milan.
1.) "Let's face it…" as though this has been something we've been tip-toeing around for a while. Thanks, Don, for being brave enough to say what nobody was thinking.
2.) It's Miss Jackson, if you're nasty.
Here's a sampling of some of Mr. Gentile's work over the past year:
Demi Moore, 50, might want to schedule another visit to her plastic surgeon. The actress wasn't so wrinkle-free at a Hollywood theater event in April.
A visit to a plastic surgeon would do wonders for Sarah Jessica Parker.
Katie Couric, 56, looked haggard last August as she stepped out for lunch in Manhattan.
No longer a Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria is in desperate need of a new diet. The 38-year-old star shows off her paunch while hanging out on Copacabana Beach in Rio.
Chunky thighs aside, Heather Locklear is still a beach babe.
The thing is, though, Gentile is like the Goldilocks of women's looks. They're either too surgically enhanced, or they need to go in for a procedure. They're too fat or too thin.
The 40-year-old Shahs of Sunset star didn't seem to mind that her rippling flesh was spilling out of her bikini poolside.
Perry Reeves stays lean with yoga exercises. But he 42-year-old Entourage star needs a little meat on her bones to fill out that bikini.
But too fat is always worse than too thin—or anything else, really. This is from a piece he did on "Hollywood Moms Out of Control":
Clutching two bags of cotton candy, Kirstie [Alley] was a heavy load on a float at a fourth of July parade in Maine back in 2008…She's since been yo-yoing up and down, but Kirstie knows there's a fat actress inside that always wants to come out.
When I told somebody that I was going to post Gentile's photo on this website I was asked if I was afraid he might kill himself over it. But I figured that if he's been writing this garbage for the Enquirer for all these years without losing the will to live, then he should weather this just fine.
Illustration by Jim Cooke.