Here's Everything Everyone Did Wrong on Last Night's Looking

Looking, the most important TV show featuring Jon Groff’s butt, has returned to our viewing screens, and while the first episode had very little butt (boo!), it had a lot of people making lots of mistakes. And Daniel Franzese. It also had Daniel Franzese, which means that this season is going to be awesome.

Let’s not get bogged down in the positives, though (that’s not a pun, although this season will feature a character who is HIV-positive), because everyone on this show made a whole bunch of mistakes in the measly half-hour we had with them. The biggest mistake, of course, was bringing back Agustin, with whom I have a very hate/hate relationship; I was kind of hoping he’d be killed off in some horrifying art accident. He’s just so insufferable, am I right? (I’m right, though.)

Here are some wrong turns the main characters took in their search for love and happiness and getting wasted at The River.

Having sex in the woods.

The friend I was watching this with said that making love in the great outdoors is one of the most “amazing experiences” she’s ever had, but all I can think about is wet leaves and a sharp poke to the eye (or butt) with an errant branch. The outside is cold, there are bears (not the right kind) there and serial killers also lurk in the bush.

Having sex in the woods with your boss who’s actually got a boyfriend.

That’s really the problem with having sex in the woods. It’s not just that Patrick is so sanctimonious all the time, it’s that he’s constantly giving his friends advice and then inviting his partnered boss to drive two hours to the Russian River to have sex in the woods with him and then demanding that everyone leave him alone about it while continuing to dole out advice on life and love to the friends who are just messed up as him. Sure, Agustin—the manchild artist who thinks that having intercourse with a sex worker and taking polaroids is ^_^~~ArT~~^_^—is a fucked-up mess who can’t get by without using drugs for a day (if you watched this episode, you know that the trip to the cabin was absolutely an intervention). But if you’re going to get on your pie horse (what my own boyfriend unironically says instead of high horse), you should have some cred to back it up. Fucking a dude who’s not in an open relationship in the woods because you’re lonely and self-destructive? Kind of a bad idea if you want to get into a serious relationship.

Also, just a reminder: Kevin’s boyfriend is pretty much hotter than anyone else on this show. If you’re into that sort of thing.

Dom wants to know everything about his new boyfriend, hunky older Scott Bakula not dressed in drag, so he goes on a fishing expedition through Lynn’s (that’s Bakula’s name on the show) entire house only to find photos of him and his ex, which you know can’t make him feel good. I’ve been at this relationship thing for a while, and I am going to tell you a thing: You will find all sorts of shit you don’t want to when you snoop through people’s stuff. Sometimes it’s old pictures with exes who are cuter than you, sometimes it’s an unfinished letter to said ex telling them that the object of your affection still loves them and sometimes it’s a thong with a dollar bill printed on the front, which is a real thing. Relationships are built on the illusion of trust at least, and there’s no way you’re going to be able to keep the fact that you found a photo album made up exclusively of him in different pairs of briefs (trust me, thing that happened) to yourself without questioning them about it. Stop snooping, Dom! Just be happy your new boyfriend lets you borrow his ultra-swank mountain retreat for a weekend and remember to lock the doors when you go out for a drug-infused hike.

Sucking off your one-night-stand while a photo album of your boyfriend and his former partner lays open on the bed (or desk, or chair, or wherever it is that you suck off strangers) next to you.

Self-explanatory.

Doing Molly in the woods.

Basically anything outdoors is a problem, but it’s especially problematic if you’re rolling for the first time while at a confusing party in the forest which is like a mini Burning Man that you can smell from your screen. I know Patrick wants to show off that he’s more than just the Sandra Dee of the group, but he’s not very good at it. At all. Why is he both so likable and unlikable at the same time?

Not showing more Daniel Franzese.

That’s actually a failing of the show, in general, and not of the characters. That guy is awesome. I would watch a fucking spin-off where all he does is help the LGBT+ community of San Francisco. Are you listening, HBO? This is what we want. Give it to us.

Agustin.

There is absolutely nothing redeeming about “Auggie” and if you don’t hate him yet, you and I are going to spend the entire season at odds until you understand that there’s no goodness there. There’s just an annoying spoiled child who can’t lay off the drugs and should die unhappy and alone only because I don’t like him and also because he treats other people like garbage and is actually kind of racist and most of all because of those bracelets he wears all the time. If there’s one thing I’d like to happen on this show more than Daniel Franzese getting a spin-off, it’s Agustin going broke and having to move back to Montana with his parents and going by his real name, which is totally Michael or something.

Image via HBO