Here Are All the 2016 Golden Globes Winners

Wow, was tonight an interminable parade of the wealthy and affectless. Here are all the people going home happier than they left.

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Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in Any Motion Picture: Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Telivision: Maura Tierney, The Affair

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series, Musical or Comedy: Rachel Bloom, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Best Television Series, Musical or Comedy: Mozart in the Jungle

Best Television Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Wolf Hall

Best Performance by an Actor in a Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Oscar Isaac, Show Me a Hero

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Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Christian Slater, Mr. Robot

Best Original Score, Motion Picture: Ennio Morricone, The Hateful Eight

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series, Drama: Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical: Matt Damon, The Martian

Best Animated Feature Film: Inside Out

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in Any Motion Picture: Sylvester Stallone, Creed

Best Screenplay, Motion Picture: Aaron Sorkin, Steve Jobs

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series, Musical or Comedy: Gael García Bernal, Mozart in the Jungle

Best Motion Picture, Foreign Language: Son of Saul, Hungary

Best Performance by an Actress in a Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Lady Gaga, American Horror Story: Hotel

Best Original Song, Motion Picture: “Writing’s On the Wall,” Music and Lyrics by Sam Smith and Jimmy Napes, Spectre

Best Television Series, Drama: Mr. Robot

Cecil B. Demille Award: Denzel Washington

Best Director, Motion Picture: Alejandro G. Iñárritu, The Revenant

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series, Drama: Taraji P. Henson, Empire

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy: Jennifer Lawrence, Joy

Big Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy: The Martian

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture, Drama: Brie Larson, Room

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama: Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant

Best Motion Picture, Drama: The Revenant

Congrats to the winners; may you never have to sell your statue on eBay.

Contact the author at joanna@jezebel.com.

Images via Getty.

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