Wow, was tonight an interminable parade of the wealthy and affectless. Here are all the people going home happier than they left.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in Any Motion Picture: Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Telivision: Maura Tierney, The Affair
Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series, Musical or Comedy: Rachel Bloom, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
Best Television Series, Musical or Comedy: Mozart in the Jungle
Best Television Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Wolf Hall
Best Performance by an Actor in a Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Oscar Isaac, Show Me a Hero
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Christian Slater, Mr. Robot
Best Original Score, Motion Picture: Ennio Morricone, The Hateful Eight
Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series, Drama: Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical: Matt Damon, The Martian
Best Animated Feature Film: Inside Out
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in Any Motion Picture: Sylvester Stallone, Creed
Best Screenplay, Motion Picture: Aaron Sorkin, Steve Jobs
Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series, Musical or Comedy: Gael García Bernal, Mozart in the Jungle
Best Motion Picture, Foreign Language: Son of Saul, Hungary
Best Performance by an Actress in a Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Lady Gaga, American Horror Story: Hotel
Best Original Song, Motion Picture: “Writing’s On the Wall,” Music and Lyrics by Sam Smith and Jimmy Napes, Spectre
Best Television Series, Drama: Mr. Robot
Cecil B. Demille Award: Denzel Washington
Best Director, Motion Picture: Alejandro G. Iñárritu, The Revenant
Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series, Drama: Taraji P. Henson, Empire
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy: Jennifer Lawrence, Joy
Big Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy: The Martian
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture, Drama: Brie Larson, Room
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama: Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant
Best Motion Picture, Drama: The Revenant
Congrats to the winners; may you never have to sell your statue on eBay.
Contact the author at joanna@jezebel.com.
Images via Getty.