Here Are All the 2016 Golden Globes Winners

Wow, was tonight an interminable parade of the wealthy and affectless. Here are all the people going home happier than they left.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in Any Motion Picture: Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Telivision: Maura Tierney, The Affair

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series, Musical or Comedy: Rachel Bloom, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Best Television Series, Musical or Comedy: Mozart in the Jungle

Best Television Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Wolf Hall

Best Performance by an Actor in a Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Oscar Isaac, Show Me a Hero

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Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Christian Slater, Mr. Robot

Best Original Score, Motion Picture: Ennio Morricone, The Hateful Eight

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series, Drama: Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical: Matt Damon, The Martian

Best Animated Feature Film: Inside Out

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in Any Motion Picture: Sylvester Stallone, Creed

Best Screenplay, Motion Picture: Aaron Sorkin, Steve Jobs

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series, Musical or Comedy: Gael García Bernal, Mozart in the Jungle

Best Motion Picture, Foreign Language: Son of Saul, Hungary

Best Performance by an Actress in a Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Lady Gaga, American Horror Story: Hotel

Best Original Song, Motion Picture: “Writing’s On the Wall,” Music and Lyrics by Sam Smith and Jimmy Napes, Spectre

Best Television Series, Drama: Mr. Robot

Cecil B. Demille Award: Denzel Washington

Best Director, Motion Picture: Alejandro G. Iñárritu, The Revenant

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series, Drama: Taraji P. Henson, Empire

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy: Jennifer Lawrence, Joy

Big Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy: The Martian

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture, Drama: Brie Larson, Room

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama: Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant

Best Motion Picture, Drama: The Revenant

Congrats to the winners; may you never have to sell your statue on eBay.

Contact the author at joanna@jezebel.com.

Images via Getty.