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I’m so sorry to ask this in such a public forum when I’d really rather reserve these kinds of inquiries for a group text or a politely worded email, but: I seem to have misplaced my golf bag. Have you seen it anywhere?

I was riding my small golf cart from hole one to hole five—hole five is a killer and bogey birdie double bogey wow—while drinking a very large glass of very cold gin when I turned to look for my hat and also my bag when—the bag! Gone! Have you seen the bag? It’s the kind of bag that holds golf things—a tee, some balls, the clubs with which you hit the balls, my shoes with the spikes, one of those small pencils (for golf), a grip, a shaft, a hat with a pom-pom, and $40,000 worth of marijuana, packaged and ready for sale.

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I know, I know—embarrassing! I simply misplaced it and would desperately like it back! Please, if you’ve seen it, let me know. I need it? It’s important. Thank you!