Happy Monday: The Earth Is Opening Up to Swallow Your Ass Whole

Having a good day? Great! Here’s some news to remind you that we’re all hanging on to life by a single thread: a “mysterious gash” has appeared in Wyoming, prompting fears of earthquakes and underground volcanoes just waiting to erupt.

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The Washington Post reports that the crack, which is 750 yards wide and about as long as six football fields, appeared out of nowhere several weeks ago. The speed with which it materialized is very alarming, and according to Sy Gilliland, owner of a local tour agency, there’s fear that the hole isn’t done growing.

From KUSA:

One of my hunters stumbled on it when he was hunting there Oct. 1.”

No one witnessed the crack’s start.

“And the next time anybody went out there, a few weeks later, there it was, this huge slide or crack or whatever it is,” Gilliland said. “I don’t really think anyone knows what happened out there, all of a sudden it was just there. I think the reason it’s so fascinating is it’s so big. And it doesn’t make any sense, where it happened it’s just like the ground opened up, and the size of it is just huge.”

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It’s not just a giant hole, either. According to The Post, the crack features “steep cliffs, earthen towers, and massive boulders,” the latter of which are strewn across the gap’s floor. Basically, it sounds like the beginning of every natural disaster movie ever made.

Experts warn that people should stay away from “the mysterious gash” (also the name of my punk band) but that, as of right now, it’s probably not an immediate cause for alarm.


Contact the author at mark.shrayber@jezebel.com.

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DISCUSSION

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My vote is that the Presidential Election should be decided by throwing all the current Candidates into this gash and whoever claws their way out alive gets to be President because honestly that seems like a better way to choose than what we are doing now.