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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Happy Belated Birthday, America. Let's Indulge in a Single Moment of Patriotism

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The U.S. women’s soccer team has established themselves as tea drinking badasses who will not be going to the “fucking White House” any time soon, and on the heels of a Fourth of July in a year when it doesn’t seem like there’s all that much to celebrate, escaping into a bit of harmless American hero-worship for a minute couldn’t hurt. So to mark their 2-0 defeat of the Netherlands for their fourth title, thanks to two goals by lavender-haired hero Megan Rapinoe and Washington Spirit midfielder Rose Lavelle within eight minutes, let’s take a moment to appreciate the best American sports team since the Rockford Peaches.

Here are some pictures of women who know exactly what they’re doing, captioned by me, a person with only the most tenuous, threadlike understanding of what’s happening in them.

Megan Rapinoe tempers her goal celebrating with a thumbs midway, rather than a thumbs up, which is much less ostentatious.

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If this was a lip-synch for their lives, Shantay, they would both stay. Look at that split.

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This looks seconds away from becoming painful.

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And this looks incredibly painful.

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America wins! Great job America. Netherlands, your tulips are still very good, and no one can ever take that away from you. So you should feel proud of that.

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Exactly one world leader is getting that coveted Rapinoe handshake.

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This kid pretty much sums up my entire botched coverage of this important event that meant so much to so many.

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America!