Happy Belated Birthday, America. Let's Indulge in a Single Moment of Patriotism

Illustration for article titled Happy Belated Birthday, America. Lets Indulge in a Single Moment of Patriotism
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The U.S. women’s soccer team has established themselves as tea drinking badasses who will not be going to the “fucking White House” any time soon, and on the heels of a Fourth of July in a year when it doesn’t seem like there’s all that much to celebrate, escaping into a bit of harmless American hero-worship for a minute couldn’t hurt. So to mark their 2-0 defeat of the Netherlands for their fourth title, thanks to two goals by lavender-haired hero Megan Rapinoe and Washington Spirit midfielder Rose Lavelle within eight minutes, let’s take a moment to appreciate the best American sports team since the Rockford Peaches.

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Here are some pictures of women who know exactly what they’re doing, captioned by me, a person with only the most tenuous, threadlike understanding of what’s happening in them.

Megan Rapinoe tempers her goal celebrating with a thumbs midway, rather than a thumbs up, which is much less ostentatious.

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Illustration for article titled Happy Belated Birthday, America. Lets Indulge in a Single Moment of Patriotism
Image: Getty

If this was a lip-synch for their lives, Shantay, they would both stay. Look at that split.

Illustration for article titled Happy Belated Birthday, America. Lets Indulge in a Single Moment of Patriotism
Image: Getty

This looks seconds away from becoming painful.

Illustration for article titled Happy Belated Birthday, America. Lets Indulge in a Single Moment of Patriotism
Image: Getty
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And this looks incredibly painful.

Illustration for article titled Happy Belated Birthday, America. Lets Indulge in a Single Moment of Patriotism
Image: Getty
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America wins! Great job America. Netherlands, your tulips are still very good, and no one can ever take that away from you. So you should feel proud of that.

Illustration for article titled Happy Belated Birthday, America. Lets Indulge in a Single Moment of Patriotism
Image: Getty
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Exactly one world leader is getting that coveted Rapinoe handshake.

Illustration for article titled Happy Belated Birthday, America. Lets Indulge in a Single Moment of Patriotism
Image: Getty
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This kid pretty much sums up my entire botched coverage of this important event that meant so much to so many.

Illustration for article titled Happy Belated Birthday, America. Lets Indulge in a Single Moment of Patriotism
Image: Getty
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America! 

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DISCUSSION

willselfdestruct
WillSelfDestruct

No other way this could end. The US team have been dominant and unstoppable, they didn’t concede a single match. Looking forward to Rapinoe holding the limelight as USA’s biggest soccer star while pissing off Trump and his miserable band of deplorables.

Netherlands goalkeeper was the real MVP. She saved her team from what could have been Thailand’s level of embarrassing.