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Please Enjoy These Photos of the US Women's Soccer Team Sipping Tea, Butchering England

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Megan Rapinoe, Queen of Soccer and possibly also America, had to sit out the semi-final match against England on Tuesday, thanks to a hamstring injury. Thankfully, that didn’t stop the rest of the team from trouncing England 2-1, and on team co-captain Alex Morgan’s 30th birthday, nonetheless. On my 30th birthday, I plan to hide in my room for 36 hours until it is safe for me to leave. On Morgan’s, she became the first player in Women’s World Cup history to score a goal on her birthday. We are different.

Now, the U.S. is headed to the FINAL—on Sunday, they’ll face off against the winner of Wednesday’s Netherlands vs. Sweden semi-final match, which is so very exciting! Until then, please enjoy some of Tuesday’s good highlights, and my bad commentary.

Morgan falls.

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She’s fine! She scores!

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Birthday Morgan celebrates!

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Birthday Morgan sips tea, like the English do, when they’re not busy SUCKING at SOCCER (I’m a sore winner, like a true patriot)

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England quakes in the face of US shade.

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Soccer is about shoving and ponytails, just as I recall from middle school.

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England’s Nikita Parris argued with the ref.

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Everybody wants the ball.

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Alyssa Naeher saves a penalty kick AND THE GAME.

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US wins! Everybody’s so happy! Except for England!

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THERE IS SOMETHING IN MY EYE.

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Stay tuned for more soccer on Sunday!