Guy Who Fucked a Hot Pocket Tells All, Suggests You Use a Condom

Fucking a hot pocket will not be the first or last internet stunt you will hear about. It may, however, be one of the strangest (and possibly most pointless?) things that one could do with their time. And because it’s so strange and pointless, of course someones done it, gotten blocked by Hot Pockets on Twitter (damn), and then lived to tell the tale.

VERSACEPOCKETS (probably not the guy’s real name) has been suspended from Twitter and Vine, but he’s done an exclusive interview with Firstwefeast about his experience with both Hot Pockets and Pop Tarts. I can understand wasting a Hot Pocket (because I used to live on them in college and just get nauseated when I see one now), but who would just ruin a perfectly good Pop Tart? Pop Tarts are made out of sunshine and Rainbows (and some artificial ingredients).

On whether he actually did it with a hotpocket:

Yeah, I fucked a Hot Pocket. And, yeah…I glued pubes to my face too.

So many questions! Whose pubes? Does this guy follow through with every dare on Twitter? How many retweets would he need to have sex with a warmed cantaloupe? A VCR?

On whether protection is needed when making love to a filled pastry with a crispy, crusty, tender, flaky crust (TM):

Ah shit, dude. I tried doing it without a condom and it was just, like, way too hot. I put it in the fridge for a little bit and I was like, “Dude, I’m gonna have to use a condom if I’m gonna actually stick my dick in the whole Hot Pocket.”

The Hot Pocket was probably too hot because of this dude’s amazing microwave:

[Laughs] I have, like, a strong-ass microwave so I don’t even read boxes or anything. I put it in for, like, four minutes I think.

But did he use the crisping sleeve?

On the kind of Hot Pocket he used and why: (unfortunately, it isn’t as romantic as you would think.)

What kind of Hot Pocket was it?
Ham and cheese.

Why did you pick that one?
Um, it’s just the only one…I got out of work and I stopped at a convenience store because I knew I hit the goal on my retweets or whatever.

If you’ve also been thinking of getting it on with a microwaveable treat, VERSACEPOCKETS suggests you just go for it (if the feeling is right):

Yeah, I would definitely recommend it, if you’re lonely. I wouldn’t recommend putting it on Vine, but I’d recommend fuckin’ a Hot Pocket probably. It wasn’t bad. It’s messy, though.