Never have I ever spent any time thinking about what it would be like if Goldie Hawn was my mom and how it would be if I was giving birth and she was in the delivery room, but everything about what I have just learned tracks.
During an appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show in September, Kate Hudson said of her mother, “She wanted me to think of my vagina as a magnolia flower,” which is precisely some shit I’d expect Goldie Hawn to say to a woman in labor who wants nothing more than to get the baby out of its temporary home and into the world. Were it me, I would have banished Goldie from the birthing room in the future, but Kate Hudson did not get the memo and so here we are.
Kate and Goldie guest-hosted Ellen’s TV show Thursday. They discussed the birth of Kate’s daughter in October 2018. I do not know what to do with this information so I will present it for you, here:
“First of all, I had to ask your permission,” Hawn clarified, “because the last time it happened, I had too many Doritos in front of you, brought you a lotus, asked you to smell it—which is the worst thing you can do to a pregnant person—and then you asked me to put down my pizza. Then when I had whatever, you leaned up and went, ‘Mom, shut up!’ in one of your major [contractions]. So, I was careful, and I said, ‘Would it be OK? Do you want me in the room?’ So, I did ask permission. See, I’m a really fair mom, aren’t I? It’s like, ‘Honey, do you still want me?’”
Why are there Doritos in the birthing room? Where’d she get the flower? Pizza?! Anyway, okay, great, sure. I can’t imagine this scenario any other way. That’s why this next bit doesn’t surprise me but does upset me greatly: apparently when Kate was about to give birth, Goldie Hawn’s head was so close to her daughter’s vagina that the doctor said, “Goldie, if you get any closer, you’re going to fall in!”
Broadway legend Carol Channing died Monday, and now, in her memory, I present the most delightful fun fact I’ve heard about a person, living or dead, in some time, via Page Six:
“We’d eat out a lot and mostly at the Russian Tea Room — but Carol never ate a bite off the menu,” Scott Gorenstein recalled. “When I would go to pick her up I’d find her pulling apart pieces of chicken, which she’d then carry with her in a fancy silver container.”
He explains, “Carol was convinced she had certain allergies which prevented her from eating much other than the dried chicken she’d carry with her wherever she went.”
Any small story about the eccentricities of famous people tickles to no end. Though I’ve never had chicken jerky(?) of the sort being described by Page Six, thinking about Carol Channing swanning about Los Angeles with dried chicken rattling around in a sterling silver Tupperware warms my heart. What kooky habit will you develop in your dotage? Think it through. There’s still time.
The dreaded Milania is a musician now.
- I don’t care that Rob Kardashian likes being “scratched by a female,” but maybe you will. [Us Weekly]
- Good morning to the “ex-pal” of Lauren Sanchez who said “Jeff Bezos is seriously stupid if he’s thinking of marrying her. He’s already seriously stupid for giving up half his fortune for her.” [Page Six]
- Happy birthday, Betty White. [People]