That Jennifer Coolidge, She’s Trying to Murder Me

Jennifer Coolidge—she who uttered the infamous line “You’re not very pretty, and you’re not very bright” in 2004’s very critically acclaimed A Cinderella Story—is finally, deservedly a Golden Globes winner!!

The Globes returned to television on Tuesday night after being shunned by celebs and networks last year for, uh, some glaring diversity issues. This year’s nominations weren’t without their blemishes—ahem, justice for Stephanie Hsu—but the telecast glittered in large part due to the superb, the undefeated, the indisputable queen of everyone and especially the gays: Jen.

Coolidge, who was on hand as both a presenter and nominee for her starring turn in the second season of HBO’s White Lotus, won for Best Actress in a Limited Series, and White Lotus also took home the Golden Globes for Best Limited Series. Coolidge’s return to the role of Tanya beat out Claire Danes for Fleishman Is in Trouble; Daisy Edgar-Jones in Under the Banner of Heaven; Niecy Nash-Betts for Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story; and her co-star Aubrey Plaza. During her singularly authentic acceptance speech, Coolidge looked happier than Tanya in the middle of a cocaine binge whilst receiving cunnilingus from the leader of the Palermo mafia, and made White Lotus director Mike White happy sob. She looked like the Fourth of July, and, yes, she made me want a hot dog real bad!!

“I had such big dreams and expectations as a younger person, but what happened is they get sort of fizzled by life. I thought I was going to be queen of Monaco even though someone else did it,” Coolidge said during her acceptance speech. “And then you get older and think, Oh, what the fuck is going to happen? And, Mike White, you have given me hope. You’ve given me a new beginning, even though this is the end, ‘cause you did kill me off…You changed my life in a million different ways.”

Coolidge went on to thank Ryan Murphy for all the “little jobs that kept me going,” and was stoked to tell the audience that her neighbors are now speaking to her (“Now everyone’s inviting me [to their parties]!”). But most of all, she just wanted to be Mike White’s hype girl:

“If you don’t know Mike White, this is what you should know: He is worried about the world, he’s worried about people, he’s worried about friends of his that aren’t doing well. He’s worried about animals. He really is one of the greatest people. You make people want to live longer—and I didn’t! Mike, I love you to death.”

America’s loopy aunt—the woman who talks with the drawl of someone who appears to be in a K-hole but is really just high on life—is finally, finally getting her due. The signature breathy, bimbo “hi” that we’ve come to adore through Stifler’s mom and Paulette Bonafonté and Fiona the evil stepmother and Tanya McQuoid—almost wheezed out rather than spoken—is now an award-winning syllable.

• Globes host Jerrod Carmichael at one point joked that he was making tea when he was “invited to be the Black face of an embattled white organization. Life comes at you fast!” [TMZ]
• On the red carpet, Abbott Elementary’s Sheryl Lee Ralph threw some master shade while giving her teen self a pep talk: “There will be people called the Kardashians and they will pay $10,000 for your lips.” Quiet part out loud! [Page Six]
• Was Brad Pitt in every photo at the Globes? [E! Online]
• Zendaya was apparently too busy working to accept her award for Best Actress in a Drama Television Series for her role in Euphoria. Get that coin, Z. [E! Online]