For the Love of God, Don't Tattoo Your Eyeballs

Listen, I’m not here to ruin anyone’s good time, but in the immortal words of Big Sean — if you’re even thinking of getting an eyeball tattoo, then “I don’t fuck with you.” And don’t come crying to me when you go blind and also your eyeball shatters, because that’s a thing that probably will happen. Trust me.

Ok, well maybe, I’m being a little dramatic. Your eyeball isn’t going to shatter (yes, yes, I know it’s all gel and shit), but all sorts of awful things can happen when one decides that their face and body are no longer enough and starts inserting needles into their eyes.

This is what I imagine happens during an eyeball tattoo:

But I am not a doctor, so don’t trust me on the one thing I know about eyes and needles from a video game.

Here’s what The Washington Post says about this new body art phenomenon, founded by a man named Cobra.

The technique “involves injecting pigment directly into the eyeball so it rests under the eye’s thin top layer, or conjunctiva,” according to the BBC, and Cobra first tried it on several volunteers at a tattoo show in Canada.

“I’m aware of how insane that sounds,” he told the BBC, “but I’ve been doing this type of thing for my whole life, so I wasn’t coming from nowhere with this.”

The eye-coloring is permanent, which hasn’t stopped hundreds of people in countries all over the world from turning their eyes blue, green, red and black, he said.

Cobra says that you should make sure to be gainfully employed before getting your eyeball tattooed for “your amusement.” He says most people will look upon those that have gotten the tattoos as frightening or weird. And while the experience gives those who have gone under the needle a high, optometrists all over the world are clutching their loupes in horror, because there’s much more that can happen than people thinking you’re scary to look at. That, one can get over. Blindness for the sake of having colorful eyes, however? That’s going to be harder.

The American Optometric Association is giving a hard no to the practice because getting the eye tattooed can lead to infection (don’t click) (you clicked, didn’t you?) and even bindness:

“My advice is not to do it as there’s not enough benefit to even warrant considering that risk of potential pain and loss of vision,” Jeffrey Walline of the association’s Contact Lens and Cornea Council told the BBC.

My advice is also not to do it. I have had a needle in my eye several times for medical reasons and I do not recommend it. Unless you enjoy watching your life flash in front of your eyes over and over. Then yes, by all means.